Hello my lovely peoples, I’m sorry, I am quiet, I am regrouping and coming out of a blue flunk after having wasted just under 5 months of my precious time on someone who turned out to be a lot less than I thought he was. No names, no pack drills but let me just say, it doesn’t matter whether you have never met a person face to face, the impact of them treating you shoddily even remotely is still the same. I invested my time, it’s precious, I created space daily in my exceptionally busy life to make time for them, I made an effort. After almost 4 months, it was no longer a two way street. When someone treats you like an afterthought or a chore for no reason other than they are too lazy or too leery to commit to the same amount of effort as me then they are unworthy of my time or effort. But it caused damage.
I want to say it hurt, but that isn’t the emotion I am dealing with, I am dealing with numb. I have been left feeling numb. I thought I was well past those days where I disappeared behind my steel trap and locked myself away. Apparently not, and I don’t appreciate finding myself here once again, not one little bit. I wish I could say it was worth it, but in the end it wasn’t.
It has sent me flying backwards into self protection mode and I am mistrustful of any and all personal involvement again. It has made me angry and anxious in equal measure and no matter how hard I try not to let it, it has brought self doubt. It has broken my creativity and I am struggling to find a comfortable head space to climb into to write again. I am struggling to mosaic, I can’t stay focused. I need to heal from feeling used and made to feel less than good enough. I don’t care if that was not their intention, that is the end result.
So, remember, no matter who you are, if you are involving someone in daily personal conversation and taking up their time, making suggestions to meet up, to see where it could lead, treat them the way you would want someone to treat the female members of your own family, those you feel most protective towards, those you would want nothing but the best for. Be that person, if you can’t be that person, have the balls to not drag it on and on, grow a pair and own that shit and call time. Don’t wait for her to ask you what is wrong. That just plain fucking sucks and is the biggest cowardly act any man can commit as far as I’m concerned. You wasted my time and made me think good thoughts and gave me a happy place I had not ever expected to find again, and then stole it all from me because you were too much the coward to actually come clean and say you were just passing lockdown time ‘chatting’ and never meant a fucking word of what you hinted at.
You took so much more than you gave. You Sir, are a thief and I am well rid of your brand of attention.
I’m a tad fucking broken inside, and for the majority of the time I can handle that, right now, it’s all front and centre again and it’s blindsiding me. It’s not even about the person who caused it, they just caused a weak spot in my armour, they are not strong enough nor did they mean enough for it to be more than a dint, but the shit from the past found that chink in my armour and forced it to become a gaping wound and climbed back out to live in the present again. Fucking demon slaying is a bastard and time consuming and I am tired of it.
I am worth so much more than the way I was treated. I am their loss, they are not mine. Just sayin’…