Gemma Update


Hello my lovely peoples, I’m sorry, I am quiet, I am regrouping and coming out of a blue flunk after having wasted just under 5 months of my precious time on someone who turned out to be a lot less than I thought he was. No names, no pack drills but let me just say, it doesn’t matter whether you have never met a person face to face, the impact of them treating you shoddily even remotely is still the same. I invested my time, it’s precious, I created space daily in my exceptionally busy life to make time for them, I made an effort. After almost 4 months, it was no longer a two way street. When someone treats you like an afterthought or a chore for no reason other than they are too lazy or too leery to commit to the same amount of effort as me then they are unworthy of my time or effort. But it caused damage.

I want to say it hurt, but that isn’t the emotion I am dealing with, I am dealing with numb. I have been left feeling numb. I thought I was well past those days where I disappeared behind my steel trap and locked myself away. Apparently not, and I don’t appreciate finding myself here once again, not one little bit. I wish I could say it was worth it, but in the end it wasn’t.

It has sent me flying backwards into self protection mode and I am mistrustful of any and all personal involvement again. It has made me angry and anxious in equal measure and no matter how hard I try not to let it, it has brought self doubt. It has broken my creativity and I am struggling to find a comfortable head space to climb into to write again. I am struggling to mosaic, I can’t stay focused. I need to heal from feeling used and made to feel less than good enough. I don’t care if that was not their intention, that is the end result.

So, remember, no matter who you are, if you are involving someone in daily personal conversation and taking up their time, making suggestions to meet up, to see where it could lead, treat them the way you would want someone to treat the female members of your own family, those you feel most protective towards, those you would want nothing but the best for. Be that person, if you can’t be that person, have the balls to not drag it on and on, grow a pair and own that shit and call time. Don’t wait for her to ask you what is wrong. That just plain fucking sucks and is the biggest cowardly act any man can commit as far as I’m concerned. You wasted my time and made me think good thoughts and gave me a happy place I had not ever expected to find again, and then stole it all from me because you were too much the coward to actually come clean and say you were just passing lockdown time ‘chatting’ and never meant a fucking word of what you hinted at.
You took so much more than you gave. You Sir, are a thief and I am well rid of your brand of attention.

I’m a tad fucking broken inside, and for the majority of the time I can handle that, right now, it’s all front and centre again and it’s blindsiding me. It’s not even about the person who caused it, they just caused a weak spot in my armour, they are not strong enough nor did they mean enough for it to be more than a dint, but the shit from the past found that chink in my armour and forced it to become a gaping wound and climbed back out to live in the present again. Fucking demon slaying is a bastard and time consuming and I am tired of it.

I am worth so much more than the way I was treated. I am their loss, they are not mine. Just sayin’…

13 thoughts on “Gemma Update

  1. Hugs to you sis. You are an amazing woman and deserve to have the very best. It is hard You know that I am always here for you no matter what. Maybe not at 1 a.m. to your 6 a.m. but always here. 🙂 I love you big sis and am sending you hugs and healing energy. Hug hug hug hug

    Liked by 3 people

    • Love you too lil Sis, always. 💖 This too shall pass, I’ll be okay, I just need to fix the damn steel trap and get the doubt back under control. I know I am worth so much more, I’m just tired of having to reiterate that line to myself continually after yet one more man has made me question it. No more men, no more problem. I’m all good with that scenario. Love you Jay xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t even like this post because I know this all too well as I am in the position. You would think after almost 15 years of marriage that would have broken me, but no it was someone who put himself into my daily life all day long and then suddenly pulled back. It’s hard to trust and it takes so little to break that trust. Sending you so many hugs my friend, if you need someone to talk to you I’m here. I’ll have a drink for you tonight, and hope in time we both can mend our hearts.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh my heart wasn’t involved thankfully, just my head, the possibility of a brighter fun future loomed and was taken away without a care for how that would make me fall down. It’s that lack of care for me as a person that tipped me down the rabbit hole of self doubt again. I think it would have to be a superhero before I would even lift my head up to look again, and even then I think my inclination will be to pass on that actually. It’s too much like trouble to be worth the effort it takes. xx Hugs Storm xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Gemma….my naughtiest friend, my partner in crime here in this space….my heart is hurting for you. I know you had high hopes for this connection. I hate that he used you just to pass time during the pandemic….that is terrible. People can be so awful. Reading your post, and what Storm wrote above had me thinking about something. I think it is often those people who are the rainbows after a storm…who come into our lives after a dark period…that have the potential to hurt us the most. Just when it seems that dark clouds have passed….they strike us when we are most vulnerable….when we are feeling hope. I feel like that is what this person did to you…. you were coming off a recent break up (and enduring the pandemic)…and he filled you with such hope for the present and future. Regardless of if you met him in person or not, he was a part of your new daily routine… you made space for him in your life. I am sorry, Gemma. I have come to know you as a very BRAVE woman. You are a warrior sister to me. Give yourself time to heal. Your collective following here on WordPress is sending you big hugs….we will all be here when you are ready to come back. Love ya, girl.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Nora, as always, you have hit the nail on the head. The stepping up and taking that risk of opening up to someone again… just to find out down the road that it was just their little fantasy pipe dream but when reality hit, nah no thanks, not worth the effort it would take. Damn that was cold, I am paraphrasing of course, those weren’t the exact words used, but close enough in meaning it may as well have been those words, it’s how it made me feel. I wasn’t worth the effort. My problem has been, that all happened at the end of March, on my son’s birthday actually, and it’s taken until this week for the demons to work their way out of the trap to torment me. Not demons he placed there, he couldn’t, it would take someone who actually gave more than he did to do that. Old demons, self worth demons, self doubt demons, just not good enough demons. He was a trigger nothing more. That makes me angry, I thought I had those demons taped down tight, but apparently not. I’m getting there again now, slowly, but it’s taken it’s toll on my ability to think clearly the past week or so. No straight lines right now and I had them before this. I’m done with starting over, from now on, it’s just going to be me, myself, I and the boy. I can trust that. It’s safe, I’m tired of not being able to trust what I hear. If I can’t hear it, there is no trust issue to deal with anymore. I’m too bloody old for this shit so I’m calling time on the whole dating thing. It isn’t worth the effort.
      I have no doubt that I will return to my former glorious and most fabulous me before long but I just need to get un-numbed again. I need to feel real. I’m not quite there yet. Much love Nora, thank you for being you. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are REAL to me, my friend! You are a vivacious, brave, spunky, wicked smart lady that I am so proud to have befriended. Oh, and you happen to be my favorite spanking authoress too! This is a setback, and…if dating sounds like too much work right now, take it off the table. But those self-worth doubts you are having… you push back at those thoughts. I totally understand how they creep up…but you are a QUALITY woman. Think quality thoughts about yourself, girl. I’ll be thinking of you and sending lots of positive vibes your way. XOXO

        Liked by 1 person

  4. The guy didn’t deserve you Gemma. I can’t say anything that not already need said. Growth requires pain that makes the joy that much sweeter. You will find your prince, princess. I have every confidence in that. Someone will recognize the light we see in you. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Before I met my Queen I had an online connection. This turned into a phone connection. We spoke every night for hours. We had exchanged pics (clothed) and I was so hopeful. We set a time and place to meet. I went and waited more than two hours after the assigned time. She never showed. I was devastated. She never answered my calls again. We had had such an incredible connection—I couldn’t understand it. It was very painful. To this day I don’t know what happened.
    So I’m well aware of your feelings. We can make strong connections online. When the other person behaves badly it rocks our world—and not in a good way!
    But I have come to know you a little on here. You are a wonderful person with much to offer to the correct person. At some point you may find that person. There is no need or hurry to do so. Recover and enjoy life. Once you’re in a better place much will be available to you. Males, females, dolls or aliens—something will happen to make you happy! Stay well. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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