Another Huge Day!
All my posts about Tom make it sound like he is the perfect man. He never gets it wrong does he? How he reads me, understands me, calm, controlled, precise, fair, his quiet dominance. And then there is the spanking, and the absolute mind blowing sex that just goes on forever! Sounds perfect right?
Tom can be an asshole too. Just making sure you all know that up front. I don’t often post the arguments between us as part of this series, they aren’t integral to the unfolding story, but this one was, and it is relevant to our journey. This one gave me the other side of Tom, it showed he had insecurities just like everyone else. He wasn’t perfect.
I’m a very early riser regardless of how much or how little sleep I’ve had. I’m conditioned to it. So, as is my norm most mornings, I can be found on the sofa at the end of the bed and I am content to drink my coffee, write my journal up and watch him as he sleeps. This morning without warning he sat up and rubbed his hands over his face angrily. I could feel his tension, it was in every line of his body.
I ignored the tension, ‘Morning baby’.
‘The sofa again Gem?’ He sounded narked. It’s a new one on me. I’ve not had this from him before. My scalp prickled a warning at me and I began to tread cautiously.
‘What about the sofa again?’ I ask confused.
‘You’re on that damned sofa every morning.’ He snapped as he swung his legs out of bed, and headed straight for the bathroom.
He normally kissed me good morning before he did anything else. He usually said good morning too, so the sound of the shower running gave me a small start. I put down my journal and sipped my coffee, waiting. My gut churned and I could feel anxiety building.
10 minutes later he came out of the bathroom naked, walked over to his closet and pulled on a pair of jeans. Something was going on! He came over to me and crouched down in front of me. I got a good look in his eyes. He was furious and I mean tight lipped furious!
‘What’s going on?’ I asked quietly. My heart was hammering in my chest.
I could see him struggling with his temper. I pulled my knees up against my chest and curled into a ball as I waited.
He studied my face for a moment before he spoke quietly. ‘We’ve been living together for three months now and just once in all that time I’ve woken to find you lying next to me. It’s driving me fucking insane!’ His voice was controlled and quiet but I could hear the anger in every word.
I attempted to placate him. ‘I’m awake really early Tom, too early to disturb you. So I sit here, write my journal, drink my coffee and wait for you. It’s not like I’m downstairs or something, I’m here at the end of the bed!’
He didn’t want my explanation, he wasn’t done yet. ‘You don’t get it do you? I want to wake up with you Gemma, I want to feel you beside me, curled into me, I want to roll over and take you before I even open my eyes. But I can’t do that, because you are never there. You are putting distance between us lady, and it will grow.’
Damn his words stung me! My own temper flared but I tried one more time to defuse the tension.
‘I’m not putting distance between us, I’m trying to be respectful of the fact that I am awake 3 hours earlier than you and it’s not fair to disturb you! How is that putting distance between us?’ I was not going to be made to feel like I was pushing him away!
He wasn’t having any of it. ‘You know what time I wake up, why can’t you ever come back to bed and just be there?’ His tone was cold and sharp and I recoiled from it.
I leaned into my knees and hugged them. I tried again, ‘Why are we arguing about this Tom? All you have to do is tell me what you want and I will happily give it to you. I didn’t know it was a problem until a few minutes ago!’
‘Come on Gemma, it’s not something I should have to ask for!’ He snapped. ‘And we are arguing because this morning sofa thing once again hides the bigger issue. I lie there every fucking morning, watching you disappear behind that damned steel trap and lock yourself away from me. I wake at 7 and watch you, you’re completely locked into your own thoughts, I’ve seen you crying, I’ve seen you go pale as a ghost, I’ve seen you get angry, I’ve seen you look unutterably sad. But as soon as I move your expression goes blank and you paste a fucking smile on your face and bang, that’s it, I’m shut out before I ever get the chance to know what’s going on and that burns me, every single day!’ He stood up and turned away from me before he carried on with his diatribe.
‘I want that sofa out of the bedroom. Today!’ He demanded. ‘You lady are going to try this my way for once.’
Tom had laid down the fucking law! I don’t think so.
‘No.’ I felt shredded and exposed and I was suddenly furious.
He spun on his heel and turned to look at me. His face was white with temper. ‘No?’
I sized up to him. ‘No! I will not take the sofa out of the room. I want it here. I like it here.’
‘You’re making this about the fucking sofa?’ He was incredulous.
I was angry as hell now. ‘No! I’m just making sure you know I have a bloody say in what happens here too! I haven’t done anything wrong Tom. I have sat and thought thoughts, I have sat and felt emotions and worked through them in the small hours of the morning. I don’t dump that shit on your head because there is no point. It’s the past. It’s a bastard, it crops up and blindsides me, it doesn’t need dissecting, it can’t be laid to rest, it happened, I lived it, I can’t change that and I deal with it. When you wake I put it away because it doesn’t belong here!’ I was shouting now, and the tears were coming.
He rounded on me but he kept his voice low and even. ‘From me. you put it away from me. You shut me out. You hide your pain from me, why? You never hid it from Stuart. He knows the whole damn story doesn’t he! Did he wake to find you next to him Gemma?’
And there we had it. He was jealous of Stuart. Fucking hell!
Men can be complete assholes when they think another man knows more than they do about their woman!
I was pole axed. I hadn’t seen this coming. I stood and retrieved my dressing gown from the end of the bed and pulled it on. Instead of going back to the sofa I climbed into the middle of the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest and turned myself into a small ball. He stood and watched me for the longest time before he spoke again. ‘We have to talk this out Gemma, it’s hurting what we have.’
It was my turn now. I threw him a look of disgust and I shook my head. ‘We have to talk this out? We? You’ve already made your mind up I am at fault here. The truth is Tom, you’re jealous of Stuart’s prior knowledge. You want what he had, why the fuck you would want that I have no idea! But let me just say this one last time. I do not want to trot my past out, I do not want to look at it all again, I do not want to open the steel trap and let it all out. Why should I? It’s my past and I own it. I refuse to lay it bare for anyone!’
He had put distance between us by taking himself across the other side of the room. He stood by the window and leaned against the wall. ‘You did for Stuart, you gave it to him.’ His voice was ice cold.
I saw red and launched myself off the bed and across the room. ‘I have known him 25 years! He was there throughout all the shit with my ex husband. He knew him. They were friends for a time until Stuart realised just how big an asshole my husband actually was!’ I was ranting at him and I hated myself for being this angry. I stepped back and took a deep breath to calm down before I continued.
‘Just so we’re clear here Tom, I never told Stuart a damn thing. I’ve never told anyone a damn thing! Don told him his version, spewed it all out every time he saw him. Stuart thinks he knows everything, he knows a fucking gas lighter’s version of my life and I promise you I will not have come out of that version well. What Stuart thinks he knows is utter bollocks. Don wouldn’t know how to tell the truth if his life had depended on it. He gas lighted everyone around us. And as far as Stuart waking up with me goes? He never fucking slept a full night in my bed. He slept in the spare room the one time he did stay!’
My anger suddenly abandoned me and I dropped down onto the end of the bed and hugged myself. I hurt. Deep inside, I felt ripped and raw and jagged. I took a deep breath and raised my eyes to his. He held my gaze.
‘Do me a favour Tom, deal with your jealousy first before you throw accusations at me. I’ve done nothing to deserve this from you. As far as waking up with me goes, I hear you, I understand what you’re asking for and I will do that for you because I want to. I had no idea it bothered you so much, but be clear on this, I will not spew out my life for you to appease your fucking jealousy over a man who after his childish behaviour last night, means a whole lot less to me this morning than he did before.’
‘Your making this my fault Gemma? You think I’m jealous of him?’ His voice was so cold! I was suddenly exhausted and I let out a deep sigh. Time to turn the tables.
‘You are. It’s written all over your face. Why didn’t you tell me you met him earlier in the day yesterday? What the hell did you two talk about that’s brought all this shit out this morning?’ I walked over to my closet and began to dress. I had my back to him and I kept it that way.
His voice came from directly behind me and I jumped at the sudden proximity. ‘Don’t turn away from me Gemma.’ he said quietly. ‘I didn’t tell you because you were already in a state over going to the party and facing him for the first time since he left. I didn’t tell you because you didn’t need to know. It would have served no purpose other than to upset you.’ He placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him.
I railed against that. ‘So, it’s okay for you to lock things away behind your own steel trap, but I’m supposed to be an open fucking book? How does that work Tom? You get to decide what’s best for us both? You’re no fucking better than Don and Stuart if that’s how this works!’
And just like that he got it. I saw the realisation hit him. He stepped away from me and gave me space. He dropped down onto the sofa looking shell shocked. When his words finally came his tone was remorseful. ‘You’re right, I’m sorry. I never realised I was doing that to you.’ He said quietly. ‘I just felt it keenly yesterday when he was blatantly more knowledgeable than I about you. I didn’t recognise it for what it was. I won’t let it happen again Gem. I truly am sorry.’
I went to him then, I crawled into his lap and I hugged him to me, the tears were flowing freely now, I couldn’t stop them if I tried. ‘It’s hard living here Tom, I warned you from the start that I am not easy to live with. I fixed myself, I butchered most of it in the fixing but I got here still sane and still relatively normal. I am not unpicking it now. I make no apologies for that, I will apologise for making you feel like I was putting distance between us. I wouldn’t do that. I crave you near me always. You will wake up next to me every morning from now on, I promise.’
He blew out a long sigh. ‘Thank you.’
‘But the sofa stays.’ I muttered grinning at him, he burst out laughing and just like that we were okay again.
But as a foot note, He isn’t perfect, He had behaved like an asshole. He just caught himself quicker than I am used to. That was his saving grace. he knew how to say he was sorry. It was easy to forgive him.