A Side Step into Gem’s World

Hello my lovely WP friends, peeps, readers and voyeuristic visitors from Twitter land! (Don’t worry, I love that you give ghostly visits, the only clue being the visit counter went up!)

So, niceties out of the way, there is something I have to talk about, truly, I need to empty my head all over the page on this one because I have been left ‘speechlessed’ as my darling online adopted lil Sis would say!

I am speechlessed!

I had the unfortunate need to do actual physical shopping today, in a real life shop, in real time and everything. I was already suffering from mild trauma just at the thought of it!

Regardless, I am a brave warrior woman and I knew I could do this, it was not a great challenge I told myself. It was a simple mundane task, hundreds, nay, thousands of people do it every single day. I had no room to complain about my lot.

All I needed was a chicken, some veggies and a few herbs. That’s it, no great shakes, no need to rush around grabbing items from shelves for a full shop. I can do that online. So much safer!

I entered the supermarket, cleaned down my trolley handles with the sprays provided at the door. The clerk was surprised to see me do that. She thanked me for my vigilance, she said I was the first person to do that all day.

Yeah, cos we aren’t really still in the midst of the worst pandemic in 100 years are we?! I digress, this is not a covid post.

The veggie stands were free of human interference and I hurried to them. I gathered my veggies, head down, mask firmly in place, sunglasses still on, (prescription sunglasses are the best, I forget I have them on,) they complete my tiny ninja warrior woman look along with the black mask I have taken to wearing. First part of Operation Shopping Trip considered a success. On to part two.

I approached the fresh meat counter with caution, there were a few people around, milling, chatting, aisle blocking with empty trollies (why do they do that? Why?) I was forced to speak, ‘Excuse me,’ I said politely even while knowingly cutting across the woman’s conversation. She stopped speaking and glared at me, ‘What?’ she demanded in a voice that sounded like nails down glass. Uh oh… my irritation marker began to send warning signals to my brain.

‘I need to pass?’ I answered in a less polite tone than my ‘excuse me’ had been delivered.

She tutted and rolled her eyes, one exaggerated sigh later she moved her trolley just enough that I could squeeze through with mine. I do mean barely enough room, my irritation levels shot through the roof, please remember, I have already traumatised myself at the idea of going shopping in the first place!

I snarled under my mask and pushed my sunglasses to the top of my head and glared at the source of my irritation. And that’s when my naughty Gem took over. It was one of those fuck it moments, I angled my trolley, just enough to cause a collision that would have her chasing after her trolley. I pushed through the two connecting trollies, I think the other woman was actually asleep with her eyes open, she offered no help by way of moving her trolley either. I rammed the trollies with mine, they skittered out of the way and the woman with the attitude shrieked! ‘Are you blind or just stupid?’ she shouted as she ran after her empty trolley.

I glared once at her and then laughed as I said, ‘you should make sure you leave the store before I do, my driving can be somewhat erratic when I’ve been pissed off by a moron.’

Now I’m just going to qualify that statement, my driving is perfectly fine, but I do like to mess with peoples heads on occasion and it’s always a worrying thought for them that I might actually be telling the truth.

I approached the meat counter now, the chickens were just coming into my line of sight. I could grab one and be gone in no time! I cruised in, parked my trolley tightly into the side and leaned into the display counter to pick my chicken,

Then it happened.

A young girl/orange person/black caterpillar browed, spider eyed, fluffy slippers and pyjama wearing female who was already rummaging through the chickens came and stood directly behind me and began shouting loudly to her friend ‘EWWWW! Its got green shit on it! I’m not eatin’ that shit!’ and then proceeded to throw a pre-prepped (with herbs and stuffing) sealed bag wrapped chicken along the shelf so that it collided with mine.

I sighed. My fighter brain was trying to kick in, I ignored it, pushed my irritation down, picked up my chicken and had just turned to walk away when she pointed at my chicken.

‘That’s mine! I want that one! It’s got no green shit on it! Give it me, I was here first!’ She screeched at me. No mask, no attention to distance. I’m a stickler for these things. I have no wish to die. I removed myself from her proximity and placed the chicken in my trolley. I refused to answer her, I walked away. I was proud of myself. She hadn’t died at my hand. Nor did I deliver a death stare.

It wasn’t over.

She shouted after me, ‘hey bitch you stole my chicken, give it back right now.’ Even her friend was trying to get her to leave it alone. She wouldn’t listen, she couldn’t, hers was a diatribe out, no input being received’ model of moron. I shook my head and continued down the aisle, there are some fights just not worth picking. I had already had my quota for the day with trolley woman.

I walked slowly to the herbs and spices racks to get the last item on my very short list.

It’s at the end of the meat aisle.

This is the conversation that went on behind me.

The friend had pulled her away from running after me. ‘Just get the chicken that’s in the bag Georgia! You can’t tell that woman she’s got your chicken for fucks sake! Stop causing a scene!’

‘I don’t want one with green shit on it! She’s got the one without green shit, I was here first, it should be mine!’ Georgia was not to be dissuaded.

‘For fucks sake its not shit, its herbs or sommat!’ The friend replied exasperated.

‘Yeah well why is it all over the top of the chicken then?’ Georgia was still on the fence.

‘Because they prepared the chicken for you…duh!’ Patience was disappearing fast now, I could hear it in the friend’s tone.

‘Oh… Well why don’t it say that on the bag then? An’ what’s that thing stickin’ out of that big hole?’ Although slightly less aggressive, there was still that adversarial tone from Georgia that said she thought she was being conned and she was on to it.

The friend sighed, I was rooted to the spot, I had to stay until the end, I couldn’t walk away. I would risk mental scarring for this. It would be worth it to hear how this all played out.

‘That’s the neck end of the chicken and they have put a prepared stick of stuffing in it so all you have to do is put the whole thing, bag and all in the oven and cook it. Just follow the instructions on the bag and you’ll be fine!’ The friend was almost home dry. Even I had to admit she had shown much more patience than I could have or would have mustered in this situation.

And then the goal posts moved.

‘What the fuck you on about? What neck end??’ Georgia shrieked!

I had turned around now and was watching avidly, I couldn’t help myself. It was like carcrash tv!

‘The fuckin’ chicken’s neck end you dimwit! Y’know where the chicken’s head and neck used to be, they cut it off don’t they! For fuck sake, why don’t you know this shit??’ The friend had officially lost the plot with Georgia!

I was thinking the exact same thing. I was shaking my head in amazement not only at the level of ignorance but the absolute patience exhibited by the friend, she had fought well until the very end! She was indeed a warrior woman in her own right. Good god she must love Georgia unreservedly to put up with that level of stupid!

The chicken in the bag was hurled back onto the shelf, Georgia looked utterly horrified.

‘Are you tellin’ me that’s a real fuckin’ chicken, with a head an’ eggs an’ feathers an’ shit?? NO WAY AM I EATIN A REAL FUCKIN’ CHICKEN! I’M A VEGETARIAN!’ Georgia won. Plain and simple, it’s just not possible to follow that statement. Where would you start?? Where could it go?? Her head had no brain in it! Her friend proved me wrong, I must be out of practice!

‘No way are you that fuckin’ stupid Georgia May, you’re supposed to be the smart one who can do any style of makeup n hair n shit but you didn’t know that was a real chicken?? Fuck off you daft bint you’re winding’ me up now!’ Annnnnd…. it was at this point the friend lost some ground with me. I couldn’t work out the connection between hair and makeup skills and identifying a chicken as being a real bird. I’m sure in some world there will be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the comparison, but it failed to ping in my brain.

Georgia delivered a mouthful of expletives, (the only reason I’m not writing them here is I can’t remember them all there were so many.) and stomped off in a huge hissy fit. Her friend stood gawping at her as she trounced out of the shop.

I was so glad I was wearing my mask, my mouth had dropped open, my eyes were like saucers, her friend’s face wore the same expression as mine, only hers could be seen due to the lack of a mask.

I turned away laughing to myself, I felt slightly sorry for the friend, she would undoubtedly have to catch up with Georgia at some point and that mental pain would continue unabated until she could stand it no longer.

I on the other hand could pay for my items, make a sharp exit left and escape back to my lovely, peaceful home and the sanctuary of online shopping!

Poor Georgia… she’s a vegetarian you know. I wonder what she thought she was eating? We shall never know…

This is why I don’t go out in public very often. They come out of the woodwork at me, the stupid people, they find me, they mess with my head and they get me in trouble.

I regaled T with the events of the shopping trip and while he laughed uproariously at the Georgia incident, he also insisted a spanking was due for my earlier fuck it moment with the trollies! I am now the owner of a very red bottom and a very bad attitude because I truly don’t think I deserved that spanking!

I am never going shopping in the real world again. It’s painful, in more ways than one!