Grief Journal


Despair

We should be allowed one more moment with them, once a loved one has died I mean. We should be able to just pull back the blind and see them one last time before they go forever, just so we know they are okay now.

What would I give for that one last moment? I would give my life for that. I can’t help thinking there is nothing left to do here now. I’ve lost my boy and in doing so I am lost myself. I try to lift my head up and look out for those people who need me to see them, to show them I am going to get through these dreadful days of blackness, but I can’t help wondering, what’s the point?

I am sick at the moment, perhaps that isn’t helping. I can’t physically do much and so my mind has time to torture me with images no mother should ever have to witness. I feel helpless.

I went for counselling, I couldn’t listen to the counsellor who kept trying to explain my thought processes to me. For goodness sake, I know my own thought processes, they are all lined thickly with pain. I understand why these thoughts are torturing me, fragments spinning in and out of my conscious thoughts, I can’t put them all together cohesively, that would signal the end for me. Fragments it is. My brain can’t hold onto them for too long, I can let them spin off. But they dig in deep as they pass by and they draw more emotional blood on their way to wherever they have gone to hide. I know they will be back though, because that is the only reality there is right now. The pain will come back over and over again and I will drop and scream in despair because I don’t understand why it was my son that had to go.

I just don’t understand how I got here from there and why it all went the way it did and how it happened so quickly, too quickly for me to catch my breath and catch him before he shattered. We always had before. I don’t understand why this time it had to be the end.

It shouldn’t be the end. I want to draw the blind back one last time just to see him before he disappears from view forever. I just want to see that he really is okay now.

Published by gemstrong63

So, One blog year later, I've been spanked, hard! I have spanked myself almost as hard, I have spanked others even harder. I'm now heading for a different road, one that still includes all the best bits of me, all the naughty bits, all the spanking bits, all the hot steamy bits, and I'm creating characters to play out my delightful erotic fantasies, I hope you enjoy the new ride as much as the previous one…

7 thoughts on “Grief Journal

  1. I’m sure he’s fine where he is now.
    Your desperation has torn me apart because I have tried to empathize with your feelings and pain. It was unbearable, I feel so useless to you now, because there is nothing I can do to give you a little peace of mind,
    I am close to you with my heart❤️

    Like

    1. You are never useless to me Luisa, your quiet calm and gentle words always help me. They calm me, I can see more clearly this afternoon, the pain recedes for a little while when I put my thoughts down on here. Thank you for your heart my dear friend 💞

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And you must continue to do this: write down your thoughts, especially the most distressing ones. I think that, in addition to helping to see more clearly, it can help to share some pain. Maybe if you spread it a bit like butter on a slice of toast, the sharp edges , little by little, will hopefully become more rounded.
        Lots of love❤️

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Christian, I understand I am supposed to stay, I know I have things unfinished that need my attention and people who would fall if I left, it’s just sometimes when the blackness gets too thick to see through, I don’t want to keep trying, but I will. xxx

      Like

  2. I wish I had words to ease the pain, I wish I could hug you and let you fall apart and cry till you couldn’t anymore, but knowing we are all here for you to lean on. I was never a mother and I cannot begin to imagine the pain you have. I hope somewhere along the way you see the signs your son sends you to let you know he’s ok and that when it’s your time he will be there to greet you.

    Liked by 1 person

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