It isn’t a myth, it isn’t some wandering spook come to visit me, it is NOT a supernatural event or phenomenon. It is a very real and nasty experience that is hitting me almost every night currently and it is being created by my own mind. That’s right folks, my brain is doing me over and I can’t stop it from happening.
Have you ever experienced it? It is the sensation of someone or something sitting on the bed, (and you can feel the weight of their presence on the bed,) and laying over you (very bad and freaky when you are sleeping alone) and you literally cannot move a muscle. or speak. You feel as though you are being pushed down into the mattress and held captive by the bedding being held in a tight band around you. You feel terrified as you fight to wake up and scramble to try and move your arms to fight off whatever it is that is laying on you. And, you wake up screaming, and I do mean full on blood curdling, I am being murdered, screaming. But, as soon as you move, the sensation is gone, the fear/terror however is very real and very present.
It has left me exhausted, physically and mentally. I read up about the condition, I searched under night terrors, it came up on our NHS website as sleep paralysis not night terrors, and it is an uncommon occurrence that can afflict a person maybe once or twice in their entire life time. Currently I am on four weeks solid and counting, that’s almost every night, sometimes twice a night for four weeks. The website advises that if it occurs more frequently than the once or twice in a lifetime, you should talk to your doctor because it is being brought on by an underlying medical condition.
It is brought on by stress, insomnia, and PTSD. I deal with all of those conditions on a daily basis.
So, how can it be dealt with? How do I stop it?
Apparently I can take a sleeping tablet that moves me from waking sleep to REM without the paralysis but I can’t afford to take a sleeping tablet in case I need to see to my son in the night. If I have to drive to hospital I can’t be under the influence of medication, I could kill us both. Oh and I shouldn’t sleep on my back. Not very helpful in either case as I sleep on my stomach? It doesn’t mention that one.
So, I am learning to meditate, that isn’t the easy option for me, it requires stillness of mind and I struggle terribly with that. I persevere, but I am fighting with my own mind on all fronts at the moment and I want to scream with the frustration of it all. I have black rings under my eyes that rival a panda and I am short tempered (more so than usual) and irritable, (again more so than usual).
But, I am determined. So, if anyone can offer me any advice or insight into both the condition and how to meditate successfully, I would be forever grateful!
That’s all for now folks… except…
As a footnote: Speaking from a truly atheist viewpoint, I don’t believe in ghosts or spirits. But, and this is where my mind is messing with me, last night, I experienced what can only be described as the phenomenon of the phantom shadow coming at me with mouth agape and sharp fangs on show, something akin to a gargoyle like appearance, or a cat on steroids. I felt it’s breath on my face and could smell it’s breath, it was downright nasty! I lashed out and it disappeared. I felt entirely too stupid for words but my heart was pounding like I had run a marathon. The whole event lasted less than ten seconds. Possibly the longest, scariest ten seconds of my life to date.
That one has freaked me out entirely, because, I know I saw it. I was sat up and wide awake after fighting out of the paralysis. I had just settled back into bed after stomping around the room swearing my head off at the tricks my brain was playing on me, I then calmed down and had a warm water drink to settle me. That was when the mad cat gargoyle thing happened. I have no explanation. I refuse to believe I am going mad, I don’t believe I was hallucinating, the night light was on so the room was not in complete darkness, and… well… fuck it, I don’t know. Feel free to draw your own conclusions! 🤷🏽♀️
On another thought… I wonder whether my stress is escaping and running amok around the bedroom while I sleep and is then trying to get back inside me when I am beginning to wake? That would explain the manic cat/gargoyle thing, it’s the best explanation I have come up with so far anyway.
Anyway… that really is all for now folks…