Real Life, surviving the medical professionals.

So, at the request of a new friend I blogged today about real life. My real life, not my behind the scenes diary which is real but just for me in my 15 hours of free time a week. (It’s loosely referred to as respite.) Those hours never ever impact on the mainstay of my days and nights as a mum first but also a carer for my disabled son. I have tried many, many times to write our story but it is the kind of painful you really cannot stand or endure because of the utter unfairness and frightening reality of it all.

I have been doing this dance for 29 years, hospitals, doctors, specialist nurses, orthopaedic specialists, surgeons, district nurses, social services, special needs, physiotherapists, pharmacists, carer services, you name it I’ve had a run in with them all. They all know me now, none of them would tell you they like me, I’m too abrasive for them you know, they all give me a wide berth whenever they are able. Why?

Because I ask the awkward questions. Because I want the answers they are unwilling or unable to provide. Because I want a health care system that does not systematically fail my son. I want good health care, I want a stable system where we can access the doctor and get an honest response to a terrified question. Even if I have to shout, loudly to get it.

Do you know how many times a night I get up and go and check that my son isn’t fitting in his sleep? 4 times a night. Roughly every two hours. What sleep? What is sleep? I can sleep when I’m dead. He needs me so I am there for him.

His last surgery took 7 1/2 hours. Think about that for a minute. See how long that minute was? Now add 449 more onto the length of that and then put your only child on the operating table for all of that very long time. I walked the whole length and breadth of the hospital for those 7 1/2 hours, I didn’t know what else to do. I talked to no one. I just walked and I worried, and I worried so much I made myself sick. Then I worried some more.

What if he didn’t wake up from this one? How would I survive that knowledge, that I had failed him completely? Should I survive that knowledge?

The thing is, for the past 29 years this boy, this man, has filled my life with colour. Beautiful rainbows of colour that no one can dim. If he wasn’t here, my life would be black and white. I see no point in that.

Regardless, none of this came to pass, he did survive because he had a goal, a reason to wake. I promised him a black labrador puppy, all he had to do to get that puppy was wake up. I had been fed the odds of the opposite happening, but I know my son. His greatest desire in the world was to have a black labrador puppy so he could train it to be his constant companion and assistance dog.

He woke up, we got the black labrador and they are inseparable. In reality, the dog trained himself to recognise when his ‘daddy’ was going into an epileptic event. He would nuzzle his hand and lean into him to support him, he would lick his face and love him throughout the event and it works, it really works, my son reconnects to the world much faster and in a less stressful way than he used to and it is all thanks to Dog.

Job done you might think. Hardly, but it is a step forward for once in this endless dance. I can’t write it you know, I don’t have the words without the anger and frustration, the hurt and the deep well of pain that goes with every single minute of every single day that the health care service fails him yet again.

In my previous blog, I talked about his blood pressure destabilizing because of his kidneys. How did it come about that we found this out? Remember blood pressure is the silent killer. It gives you no symptoms you can go to your doctor with. It gives you no warnings or pains or even a nudge. One minute he was sat in his wheelchair the next minute he has fallen out and banged his head on the floor. Dog barks, I run, we are both too late to catch him this time. I call for the paramedics and put him in the recovery position. I assume this is epileptic in nature but dog is not responding in his usual manner. Nor is my son. He is not fitting, he is not in a seizure, he has blacked out.

The paramedics arrive and they run his obs. Blood pressure, check eyes, how many fingers son? All of the checks and balances are done. I see a concerned look pass between the two paras and I ask what is wrong. They show me the blood pressure results and I am shocked. 190/120. Look it up, he was in severe danger of stroke or worse. They sat and talked to him quietly for 30 minutes and then they took his BP again. 190/110 not good at all. It should have come down after the initial shock had worn off apparently. They put him in the ambulance, we went off to the hospital, dog stayed behind with a friend and was devastated to be separated from ‘daddy’. I was told he howled. Long and hard but to no avail. My son was in the hospital being told he had had an epileptic event that had caused him to fall and bang his head and that was what had caused the high blood pressure. Take this tablet sir, it will help. Go home and rest, you will be right as rain by morning.

They sent him home. I wasn’t happy, they had blamed his epilepsy, both I and dog knew it wasn’t. It had presented too differently to his normal pattern. At least epileptic events are similar in their appearance each time. No one was listening. AGAIN!

I contacted our GP and explained my concerns, that man skyped me, because he couldn’t do a house call today. At least he skyped. He asked me if I had a blood pressure machine that I could take his BP with 3 times a day for a week. I borrowed one, then bought one, and I did as I was asked. His BP was still through the roof and now bouncing around all over the place. He was afraid to get off his bed and into his wheelchair. He was scared to push from his bedroom to the kitchen and he became terrified of moving. I called the doctor and told him our results. He contacted the hospital and booked him in for an overnight observation.

When we got to the hospital, the doctor on duty was shocked my son had been sent home from A&E originally. He should have been admitted a week ago he said. This was not epilepsy, this was not the bang to the head, this was his kidneys. The bloods had come back saying there were problems. They have stabilized his BP with two types of meds, top doses for each one. It appears to be working, for now, but they are still only treating the SYMPTOM they are not looking for a CURE! At least this time it only took a week for them to find the cause and only two different doctors, who still did not speak to each other. Our GP still has not been out to see my son, his health is outside of his GP ability. We have been transferred to direct hospital care. If he is ill, I must contact the hospital, apparently they are better able to diagnose his condition.

I don’t sleep much at all these days. I worry a lot more.

All images are courtesy of the internet

Stepping out from the diary, time to talk about Health Care.

Continuing the thought process from The Mysterious Blogger‘s post, Please Johnny Doc! First Do Some Good!

Picture courtesy of The Mysterious Blogger

Doctor, Doctor can you help? I have so many things making me feel bad…

‘You have taken too much of my time, you only have 7 minutes to tell me your symptoms! You can only tell me one thing that is wrong with you, not all of it! Here’s a prescription, you’ll be fine. Come back in 6 weeks if you still feel the same.’

This is my own experience of going to a doctor, so I personally never go to them for me anymore. But, there is one other in my life who without medical intervention on a regular basis would not survive to live another year. My 29 year old disabled son.

The abridged list of his medical conditions, it is not something I would normally bring myself to look at all in one place so this is very hard for me to do.

  • Spinabifida & hydrocephalus (he was born with these conditions)
  • The above makes him a full time wheelchair user with no ability to weight bare.
  • Chiari malformation (currently dormant, thankfully)
  • Epilepsy (grand mal and petit mal seizures) Meds only prevent the grand mal, petit mal still happens frequently, roughly 4 or 5 time a day. (he developed epilepsy at 19)
  • Slow kidney failure (left kidney operating at 60% right kidney at 13%)(this started when he was 21)
  • High blood pressure (brought on by kidney disfunction)(began in 2018)
  • Urinary stoma (his bladder died and tried to take his kidneys with it)(2015)
  • Incontinence of bowel.(since birth)
  • Mild OCD (2015) (hand washing OCD, brought about by the medical profession constantly telling him he had an infection when he didn’t. He now thinks if he washes his hands continually, he can stop it from happening again. I have managed to convince him that 10 times a day is more than sufficient, this is a work in progress, I hope to convince him to come down to 3)
  • this is by no means the exhaustive list, I just can’t write anymore down.
this is Spina Bifida. A split in the spine and a fluid filled sac

He was born with Spina Bifida and then developed Hydrocephalus when he was 9 months old. He has had 14 surgeries, 10 of which were in the first 10 years of his life. I thought I had found the edges of his conditions and we were doing very well, for the most part. No one told me he could develop epilepsy because of his hydrocephalus. Imagine my shock when he turned 19 and collapsed with his first grand mal seizure? The doctors were a tad short with me when I asked them why this was happening? What was CAUSING the epilepsy? Why had he shown no previous signs? Had he been showing previous signs and it hadn’t been detected? I was told brusquely that it was to be expected and it was more the surprise that it hadn’t come about sooner. Here’s some medication, off you go. We’re busy you know. NEXT!!

One example, I could give you hundreds, of where the medical profession has failed my son. Where the doctor has seen the wheelchair and not the person sat in it.

He is not a sum total of his wheelchair! It is a mode of transport, it does NOT define him!

When a doctor sees him sat in front of him in his wheelchair, he will write a prescription based on problems that generally come up with patients who are in wheelchairs. WHAT?

Not my son, no. Don’t listen to his stammer, hear his detailed description of what it is he is feeling, please remember doctor, he does not experience sensations or pain, due to his spinabifida. He won’t be presenting symptoms the way you or I would.


I can’t do this you know, I can’t sit here and write this and stay sane and calm. I am ranting loudly in my head, I am railing against a broken NHS system that continually ignores him and prefers to treat the symptom of a urine infection that doesn’t exist, rather than finding the cause of the symptom. FIVE years, it took. FIVE YEARS for any one to listen to me, and I can shout very, very loud. FIVE YEARS before it struck a doctor that those antibiotics were not fixing the problem. Perhaps something else was going on?

One doctor. Just one, this time he caught my son and saved him, he literally saved his life by doing a Urostomy and removing the bladder. Apparently my son’s bladder, which had never functioned properly, had died completely and was trying to take his kidneys with it. No one listened because no one cared enough to look for the cause for five years. He is now on blood pressure medication for the foreseeable future because his kidneys have destabilized his blood pressure and sent it through the roof. Without meds, (please remember, he is just 29, not 59 or older) he could stroke or worse.
I am at my wits end with the medical profession. They work against each other, different departments do not talk to each other, they share the same patient but for some reason they don’t feel they need to have a group meeting about said patient when all of them are treating him for something individually.
Are all these conditions not just in ONE body? Would it not make sense to discuss the whole problem with each other rather than just one person, one problem, no conference, no second opinion? No group fix. That would be searching for the CAUSE! NO!! Let’s just treat that little symptom there, stick a plaster on it, give it a tablet, hope it will go away! Make it someone else’s problem.

In the US my new blogger friend Hal Barbera (the mysterious blogger) informs us that the slogan of the American Medical Association is “First Do No Harm!” Well hell, in the UK we don’t even have a slogan! We have the following instead.

Good medical practice describes what it means to be a good doctor.

It says that as a good doctor you will:

  • make the care of your patient your first concern
  • be competent and keep your professional knowledge and skills up to date
  • take prompt action if you think patient safety is being compromised
  • establish and maintain good partnerships with your patients and colleagues
  • maintain trust in you and the profession by being open, honest and acting with integrity.

Sounds like a good list, looks like a good list, but where does it say, search for the cause of your patient’s illness? LOOK past the obvious and dig a little deeper. Not everyone presents symptoms of a deeper issue in the same way.
My new blogger friend HalBarbera says, not first do no harm, FIRST DO SOME GOOD!

I wholeheartedly agree. It should be a worldwide medical slogan in every medical school. FIRST DO SOME GOOD.

I know the doctors and nurses are under severe pressure to cut costs, to reach patient targets, to move those puppies along please, don’t you know you work in a factory these days? They are just pieces of meat to process, don’t spend too much time looking at them, you might fix them and then where will we be? Someone may live longer than necessary and become a heavier drain on the beleaguered finances of the NHS in the future. Leave it, give them a tablet, a potion, a lotion, waste time and money on the symptom. DON’T LOOK FOR THE CAUSE it takes too long. They could do what they signed up to do though, they could stand up for the patient and say, he’s just a young man, we need to help him! But they don’t. They follow the script they have been given and they turn away when you ask for the cause of the illness, I assume it’s because he’s already broken. Not worth saving?

We all do it, we all get sick, we all need a doctor or hospitalisation at some point in our lives and we take it for granted that the attention we are getting, whether paid for or free will be the best that they can do for us because that is what they signed up for, right? No. Wrong. A quick fix, pre-written prescription, short consultation time has seen the end of the caring profession.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in this space with this shit anymore. This is my son’s life, constantly on a knife edge, dependent on that one doctor lifting his head up out of the sand and saying, ‘I’ve got you young man, lets help you grow old.’

I don’t even know how to keep fighting it, but I will. I will scream and shout until I’m hoarse, I will be ever vigilant and watch my boy like a hawk for even the smallest sign that all is not well. I WILL CATCH HIM every time he falls!

Prevention rather than cure. Wouldn’t that be nice.

F**K IT! I’m done here, I can say no more without breaking my own head! My heart went that way a long time ago.

All images are courtesy of the internet and the Smiley Face crying picture is courtesy of The Mysterious Blogger

Discipline Weekend? Well…

May as well be naughty!

I sat in my car outside Stuart’s house wondering whether I should go and knock right now which would put me bang on time, or whether I should wait for five minutes. I chose the latter, I took a cigarette out of the packet, lit it and inhaled. If I’m in for the spanking of a lifetime I may as well do all the things I’m not supposed to.

So now I was late, arriving smelling of cigarettes, no panties on or in my travel bag, I hadn’t brought any spanking implements, he could damn well use his own, the spanking machine was still set up in my bedroom at home and that is where it will remain. His stats are still on my pc and I haven’t sent them to the cloud yet so I can’t download them from Stuart’s either. Swearing? No point in bringing the sheets of A4 with a list of times I swore. I’m sure he has pretty much worked out it is something I do and therefore will be at the top of the failed list. As is the smoking. As is absolutely everything he had on his rules list.

It’s staying at home!

I finished my cigarette and got out of the car. I walked around to the boot and retrieved my travel bag. Stuart stood at the front door, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed, watching me. He is tall and perfectly sculpted, handsome but not pretty and oozes testosterone! It just isn’t fair. Where are his flaws? We all have them!
I refuse to acknowledge him until I’m ready. I closed the boot, locked the car up and put the keys in my bag. Only then did I smile at him as I walked up his drive to the front door.

He was accustomed to my feisty nature so my behaviour won’t throw him at all. He smiled at me in a knowing but open way and stepped back from the door so I could enter. He closed the door behind me and I had a sense of deja vu from the previous week and Graham’s house. Now my insides were doing that flip flop thing. I turned and waited for him to show me where we were going.

Finally, Stuart decided the silence had gone on long enough. Score one for me.

‘You’re late as usual Gem.’ He delivered this with a shake of his head and a smile. ‘Come on, lets go get you settled in to your room and then we can have a catch up and a coffee.’

I still didn’t speak. I’m not actually sure what it was I was doing at that moment, I just knew that when someone was presented with silence for any length of time they start chatting to fill in the blank space. I can’t read Stuart’s expressions very well, he has always been a past master at keeping his thoughts to himself and his face gives nothing away. His chatting would give me a feeling for what kind of mood he was in and it would make him dance to my tune for a while. Currently, he appeared to be very relaxed and happy so I didn’t think I was in any imminent danger of going over the arm of the sofa and getting a strapping or a caning or any other kind of spanking. Graham used the element of surprise to his advantage, Stuart was a strategist, so I was on my guard and watching him carefully.

Finally he sighed and turned to look at me properly.

‘Gem? Are you going to speak to me tonight?’ His voice was soft and non-threatening. I didn’t trust it, but I decided I couldn’t stay silent any longer.

‘I’m nervous.’ Was all I managed to get out.

Graham’s cane!

‘Relax honey, I’m not going to pounce on you like Graham did last week, although to a degree you did deserve everything you got, you behaved appallingly as usual.’ He had stroked my face with his finger as he spoke and now I had fucking goosebumps to contend with. Sheesh! What is it with me and this man’s proximity!

I shrugged my shoulders. I don’t really care what he thinks about my behaviour, I am still in the middle of my spitting kitten hissy fit and I don’t do flight, only fight.

More ‘resting bitch face’ actually!

He looks perplexed. ‘Your giving me petulance? Why? Lets just relax Gem, this is the first time you’ve been to my home without Don in tow and I want to enjoy some part of this evening without a bad attitude from you, please?’ I could see he was struggling to keep his frustration at bay and I relented a little.

‘So, you aren’t going to just dive straight in to a caning like you said you would? Followed by a strapping sent over by Graham because he didn’t want to spoil his handy work with the cane?’ Yeah, go me, prod the bear why don’t I? Fucking idiot!

No to the prodding of the bear… just NO!

‘No darling, I’m going to take you up to your room and leave you to get settled in while I go make us a coffee, like I said earlier. That’s all that’s on the agenda so relax woman!’ He smiled at me, full force, totally relaxed, I’m really happy to see you smile, the one that undoes all of my good intentions of holding myself back from him. I smiled back and said, ‘okay then Stu, lead the way.’ Yes it was a test, I’m supposed to call him Sir? I want to see if he picks me up on it, I want to see if he changes tack, he didn’t he just turned and walked up the stairs in front of me and I had a birds eye view of that magnificent backside of his. Those tight buns were a delight to my tired eyes. The evening was looking better than it had 30 minutes ago.

oh!! my eyes!

A while later I came down the stairs and joined Stuart in the lounge. I knew my way around his house so I had no trouble finding him. He was sitting in the armchair, long legs stretched out in front of him totally relaxed and a ready smile shaped his mouth when he saw me enter the room.

‘Sit down Gem, it’s been a long day.’ I did, I sat in the armchair facing him, and I tucked my legs under me. The chair was so big I could sleep in it! I leaned across to the coffee table at the side of me and picked up my drink.

There was an awkwardness between us that sat like a giant elephant in the centre of the room and I didn’t know how to get around it. This was unusual for me, I am normally right at home in any social situation.

Stuart broke the tension by broaching the subject we had both been avoiding since I had arrived. He levelled a mock stern look at me as he spoke, ‘You never sent me the videos I requested, you also didn’t address me as Sir earlier, you blatantly do not have panties on, that skirt is so tight I would see an outline of a damn thong nevermind panties, you haven’t sent me the stats I requested, you obviously have been smoking, I can smell the cigarette smoke on you, possibly the only rule I made that you haven’t broken yet is you haven’t had alcohol, but I think that may only be because you were driving! I am just going to assume you have been swearing like a trouper all week and you arrived on time but chose to remain in your car until you were 5 minutes late. Have I covered everything love?’

not quite covered it all…

I grinned and shook my head, ‘Nope, I haven’t brought the spanking implements you told me to bring, I also haven’t brought the spanking machine, and I didn’t make the videos although I did do the spankings with the machine, for all the good they did. I never felt a thing due to Graham’s spanking and caning which also means I broke your second rule before I had even read them because I allowed Graham to spank the living daylights out of my bottom and thighs two days on the trot as you well know and were privvy to by day two.’

Now it’s covered!

Stuart laughed out loud and I was completely taken aback by his attitude now, what on earth was going on here? Where was all this so called discipline? Was it all just a ploy to get me to his house for the weekend? If it was, I was off home in the morning. I am fed up of him and Graham changing things that were previously agreed upon without so much as a nod to me about what would be happening. I was getting angry again and he saw the flash of temper in my eyes.

‘Chill Gemma, I know you’re wondering what my game plan is, I know you were expecting me to cane you as soon as you arrived and I know you have flouted every possible rule I have made to test whether I will spank you the way I said I would. I also know, you want that spanking and you want it as hard as the one Graham gave you last week, so… I have decided you can do without.’ He waited as I processed what he had just said.

‘What do you mean, do without?’ What the fuck?


He looked like the cat who had swallowed a canary… the fucking feathers were still sticking out of his grinning mouth! He looked smug.

‘Exactly what it sounds like Gem, I’m not spanking you at all this weekend, you have all of your spanking punishments postponed until further notice.’

I was gobsmacked. ‘So if that’s the case, why make me drive all the way over here Stu? If this isn’t going to be the discipline weekend you said it was supposed to be, why am I here at all?’ I was confused, yes, but I was shocked at how disappointed I was feeling and I knew it showed on my face. I couldn’t hide it.


He shrugged his shoulders, ‘Discipline comes in many guises love, and it seems to me that you have no intention of correcting any of your behaviour because you actively desire the punishment that bad behaviour brings. You want the spankings. You want the euphoria it gives you when it’s over and on the wane. A spanking to you isn’t a punishment, it’s how you get your pleasure. So your punishment is a whole weekend here with me with no spanking at all. Not even a whisper of it. You are going to open up and talk to me instead.’

I was furious, ‘I don’t need a fucking counselling session from you Stu, you’ve got me here under false pretences and I will be going home tomorrow. This is bang out of order, I thought I could trust you to stick to the letter of our agreement but it appears I was wrong about you too.’


‘Back up a touch Gem, this is still discipline. It’s just the verbal variety which we did agree to. Besides, a lot of the reason I came to this decision is I feel badly for the bombshell I dropped on you when I stayed at your place the other week.’ He looked uncomfortable, that surprised me completely.

‘What bombshell?’ I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about now.

‘When I told you about Don. I honestly thought you knew about his spanking obsession, but then I saw your face when I was telling you, and it was a hell of a shock for you. I feel bad about the whole night actually and the way things played out between us. I backed you into a corner that made you choose the spankings rather than getting involved with me in a romantic way. I had you running scared and I took advantage of the situation. I’m sorry.’ He really looked ashamed of himself! he actually meant every word he was saying. This was not a wind up!


Fucking hell! I’ve disappeared down that bastard rabbit hole again! Move over Alice I’m on my way down!!

FFS!!! Here we go again!!!

Apparently crying is cathartic, and spanking is as necessary for me as breathing. Who knew?

So for the past 24 hours since my monster spanking and caning from Graham, I have pretty much cried or slept, visited the bathroom a few times, had a shower, had a few brews, many, many, many cigarettes, swore and railed against those two sadistic men and then got back in bed and started crying all over again.

Whenever I swear I am never doing this again, this is it this time, I’m done with all of it. Ignore it. Just ignore it and don’t think for a minute or even a nanosecond that I have learnt my lessons. I haven’t. I am a maverick, I am my own worst enemy and most importantly, I need the pain. It makes me feel real and it brings with it the most amazing pleasure. I can’t and won’t give that up.

Just so you know, I’m not crying because I’m in pain, I’m not in pain. The pain wore off somewhere through the night, I just have the delicious afterglow throbbing thing going on now, and that’s why I’m crying. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I am going to do it again. I am going to use the spanking machine as per Stuart’s instructions and I am going to see him at the weekend for what will probably be another beast of a spanking or caning or both. Let’s not forget his email setting out the rules by which he now thinks he governs my behaviour and therefore my bottom. Let him bring it. I refuse to conform to his rules or edict. Let him do his worst. I can take it.

For the next few days I monitored the daily changes in the colour of my bottom, the cane marks that still covered the whole area like a striped blanket and tested the tenderness of the bruising. The spanking machine is not making a dent on Graham’s handy work and as such I can barely feel it at the moment. In order for it to reach its full potential I shall have to have an unblemished bottom I think and probably a clear month away from any spanking. I’m not sure I can do that. After every inspection my question is the same one each time.

Why do I need this?

I know how it makes me feel and that’s understood now, I have been sexually repressed for the longest time. The afterglow of the spankings has given me back my sexual appetite and for that I am grateful and hateful all at the same time. That old adage of you can’t miss what you never had, was my mantra prior to my new found libido explosion. Now, I would miss it and crave it and I would go crazy if I couldn’t have it.

But, why do I need it to be so painful? Why can’t it just be normal like other people, they get turned on, they play, they have a lil’ orgasm and life returns to normal for them. The women I spend any kind of time with over the course of a week will often talk about their sex lives, how often, where, when and whether he managed to make them cum or whether they had to fake it to satisfy his delicate ego. I wonder what they would think if I told them I could give myself multiple orgasms just from one of Graham’s spanking/caning sessions. The power of those cane stripes on my thighs and bottom is immense. When I sit down, they rub and throb, I am immediately wet and throbbing because the pain is pleasurable, an old song always springs to mind, ‘It hurts so good.’ I find myself humming the tune to it and the words will filter through my brain at the most inopportune times and they will remind me again, and I am horny again, and I might be in a meeting, or in the supermarket, or with someone so straight laced they might shatter into a million pieces if I ever utter a word of my experiences to them. The frustration at being made to wait for that release is absolutely delicious in the measure of urgency it brings. To want something so badly you are desperate while having to pretend you are exactly like everyone else in that instance? It’s a mind fuck I enjoy. They think they know who I am, they have no idea. I get off on that knowledge.

I guess I’ve answered my own question really. That’s why I need this, it gives me a secret I can keep from them all and that makes me feel powerful.

Counting down to the discipline weekend with Stuart now, I am now a meer 24 hours away. I am filled with dread and excitement in equal measure. I have kept a diary of every single time I have sworn, I now have four A4 pages filled both sides, meh, I’m an honest person, I don’t think before I speak therefore I don’t govern what comes out. It is usually littered with swear words. It’s just who I am. I apologise to no one for it, especially not Stuart. Equally, I have counted how many packets of cigarettes I have smoked, that was a lot and even I was shocked when I saw it written down so I have gone back to wearing a patch through the day and only smoking in the evening. Some common sense prevails at least.

Stats? What stats, he can whistle for them, I’ve been too busy.

Tardiness? Oh hell yes, if I ever arrive anywhere on time then someone else was in charge of the driving or me, or I was already there so couldn’t be late. There is no way I will ever make it to a meeting on time I am always 5 minutes late. I make an entrance. Last one in the room, first one to speak, first one to leave. It works for me and ‘they’ have come to expect nothing less from me. They get what they want, they don’t quibble over my tardiness. I am worth waiting for. Stuart can wait, just like the rest of them.

As for never leaving the house without my panties on? Fuck him. I like the feeling it gives me knowing I am not wearing them. I shall remain true to myself.

No alcohol to be consumed while in his company? Fine, I will get drunk the night before I go and then absolutely hammered when I come home. I can go a few days without a drink, I’m not dependent on it at all.

Good luck reigning this feral cat in Stuart. All my claws are sharpened and out, and I am on a monumental spitting kitten hissy fit.

Tomorrow is D day.

Two Alpha Males, One Spanking Machine and One Very Sore Bottom.

What ever happened to me self-spanking? When I was self-spanking I was doing okay. I was getting the punishment I thought I deserved, I didn’t cheat on the spankings! I did everything I had written down and I spanked myself thoroughly. I know where it all went wrong of course, letting Mr Wilson spank me is where it all went wrong. I should have said no. I should have stuck to my original plan. To do it myself.

The whole problem as I see it is this.

When I was spanking myself I had no real point of reference and so I imagined a spank landing on one’s ass is the same be it from yourself or from someone else. So, I was satisfied that I was getting a good sound spanking. Then Mr and Mrs Wilson happened. Oh boy did they ever happen! That was the game changer.

I thought the original spanking from Mr Wilson was hard but I countered that knowledge with the fact that I had just given myself a good sound spanking and it was now layered spanking from him over mine. Then of course I was still wet behind the ears about all this stuff (to a degree I still very much am). Even two weeks later, with no spanking inbetween I can now see how controlled they both were in their handling of my bottom and the punishment they carried out on it. Even so, it was the game changer for me because I realised I was not getting spanked as hard as I could take, by my own hand.

Why am I hashing all this over? I’ll tell you why, Graham.

Graham not only went behind my back and contacted Stuart, he also made an arrangement with Stuart that I was not privvy to, nor did I have a say in it. Unfortunately for me, I am currently and undisputably in Stuart’s punishment zone and so cannot argue with any and all decisions that are made during that time. I’ve since had that explained to me in great detail I promise. Back to Graham.

Graham did all of the above and then had the audacity to gloat about it to my face. No wonder the man was in a good mood. My ass had just been handed to them both on a plate and Graham was geared up to begin immediately. I couldn’t even complain about that, I had signed a fucking note the night before agreeing that I had only had the minimum strapping and caning and that there were further issues still outstanding that I had not yet been punished for. I was now officially crapping myself. This man, this quiet, smiling, unassuming man, had turned into my bottom’s nightmare. He loved spanking! Absolutely loved it with a passion and gay or not a bottom and thighs were still a bottom and thighs regardless of whether they belong to a male or a female. Currently I am the target of his passion for spanking and I wish ferverently that I wasn’t.

After he had dropped his shocker of a bombshell and he had stopped laughing, he got serious with me.

‘Come on Gemma, drink up love, we have a punishment to carry out left over from last night. Stuart is interested to know how well you do tonight by the way, in particular how you handle being strapped and caned one night and then spanked over the knee with the butter paddle for fifteen minutes, the belt slapper for a good ten minutes, a hairbrush paddling for 15 minutes and then 5 minutes with the short leather strap, and then finishing with a good hard caning again. You took 4 sets of six last night Gemma, Stuart has suggested 5 for tonight to get you ready for your weekend with him.

I don’t want to stand up, at all, ever again! I want to sit on my bottom and keep it safe and protected from mad spankers with kind eyes who fool you into thinking they are nice. My eyes must be like saucers, because my brain is reeling from what I’m being told and the worst part about it all is, it is entirely within the boundaries I have agreed to with them both individually.

The only thing I can think to say is, ‘ that’s 30 strokes of the cane…I don’t know…’ and Graham smiled at me and shook his head. ‘Check your memory little lady, we have agreed that you are not only capable of taking 30 strokes but you said I had the availability to take you up to 40. We are at the middle of your scale so I have no problem carrying it out. We agreed entirely that you have a high pain threshold and you have proved it over and over again by searching out more and more ways to get spanked. If you couldn’t cope with the spankings Gemma you certainly would not be entertaining two separate spankers and agreeing to them both giving you spankings.
Both Stuart and myself agree wholeheartedly that you should be punished heavily for misleading us both the way you have and that is why this punishment will be much heavier and harder than I had originally planned for you, however, it will cover any past transgressions that you were guilty of and the slate will be wiped clean at the end of this evening as far as I am concerned. Stuart may have other ideas.

Now, enough talk, let’s get down to it. I want you in the lounge wearing just your knickers. I shall decide when they are coming down. Also Gemma, if you swear, buck, kick out, or try to cover your bottom with your hands you will recieve a strapping which will last for 5 minutes. Roughly half what you took last night. My advice is that you take on board everything I am telling you and you do as you’re told and accept your punishment with stoicism. It would go in your favour if you did. I do not like squirmers and I do punish them heavily.’

Graham left me sat in the kitchen and he walked through to the lounge, leaving me to follow him within two minutes. I sighed deeply, stripped my clothes off except my panties and kicked my ugly shoes off, at least they weren’t going to be part of my humiliation. I was now glad I had gone for my big girl knickers, my bottom was completely covered at least. I bowed my head and walked through to the lounge. It was like a long walk of shame down the hallway! I entered the lounge and Graham was already sat in the middle of the room on a high back hard chair with a stack of implements on a small table at the side of him. He beckoned me to come over to him and I faltered for a moment. I now understood why he wanted me all but naked, I couldn’t run away.

‘Come on Gemma, don’t dawdle, assume the position over my knee, now.’ His voice was stern enough that I hurried across to him.

I went over his knee without even so much as a whimper. I would do stoicism to death just to spite the bastard! My panties were immediately pulled down to around my thighs and Graham began a hand spanking that wasn’t part of the list! My bottom was so sore and tender from last night, he didn’t have to spank hard to elicit a yelp from me when the first volley of spanks landed on each cheek. He positioned me further over his knee so that my bottom was raised high in the middle of his knees and my hands could reach the floor. My legs were stuck out and he instructed me to cross them at the ankles. I did and then the spanking really got under way. I was squealing loudly and crying but I didn’t dare move from my position. Finally the hand spanking stopped and was immediately replaced by the hairbrush. Oh god! He wasn’t going in any kind of order, so any prep I had managed to have mentally was now officially redundant. I didn’t know what would come next.

That hairbrush is evil personified. It splats down and bites your ass like a thousand nettle stings at once and then the pain blooms outwards and begins throbbing almost immediately. When the next one comes it’s excrutiating because all the blood is now pounding beneath the surface of your bottom and it is super sensitive to even a light touch. I was howling because Graham doesn’t go slow. He paddles furiously, with barely a let up in pace or speed for the whole 15 minutes. My thighs are throbbing along with my bottom and I am now aware of only a thick band of pain from my hips down to just above the backs of my knees. No spot is left out.

The brush appears on the floor in front of my face and I am relieved to see it there. That means…OW OW OW OW!! Belt slapper!! Oh FUCK!!! This is merciless! I am never pissing Graham off again! I am going to be the absolute most fucking compliant and pleasant woman he has ever met in his entire life!! OH FUCKING HELL!!! I can feel the welts popping up on top of my already blistered ass! I wriggle to escape the onslaught! I can’t help myself, this is pure torture and I have to try to get away from it!

Graham’s voice fills my ears! ‘Oh Gemma, you just bought your strapping at the end. Thank you for the gift darling, I shall enjoy delivering it. NOW KEEP STILL or I will double it to 10 minutes.’ There was a rigidity in that tone that made me shake. I became perfectly still over his knees. I was so fucking still I was like a long piece of wood lying there.

Before long I was sobbing my heart out and the tears were creating a puddle on the wooden floor. I could barely breathe through my nose it was running so fucking much. Why won’t he stop for a moment? Just a minute to let me get my breath back! But, he doesn’t and it becomes crystal clear he is intent of delivering the whole spanking section in one go because now the butter paddle has begun pounding my devastated bottom, thank fuck he used the smooth side! At least I don’t have to feel those ridges!!

Yes I do. He only did just over half of the time on the smooth side, the last 5 minutes with the ridges pounding my ass and digging in like hot needles nearly made me leap off his knee, instead I just screamed blue murder until it was over. The short leather strap was then applied in a slower harder stroke than all of the others and it meant that I could feel every single fucking stroke from one end of the strap to the other. It stopped me from going numb. I was in a world of pain now and then quite suddenly the thrashing stopped. The leather strap landed on the floor with the other implements and lay there mocking me.

Graham shook his arm out to remove the tension and then he smoothed his hand over my bottom, over my thighs, feeling the searing heat, tracing the blisters and welts that were everywhere now and then he tapped my bottom and spoke.

‘You know Gemma, this almost, only almost mind, makes me wish John was still here because the sex that would follow a damn good spanking like this one would have been phenominal. Ah well… ‘ he slapped my bottom once, ‘up you come, we aren’t done yet!’

I pushed myself off his knees and stood with my head bowed, I didn’t want to, couldn’t and wouldn’t look at him. I just stared at the floor. He laughed and handed me a box of tissues. ‘Clean yourself up love, you look a frightful mess.’

He left the room for a few minutes then and I took the opportunity to feel my poor bottom and thighs myself, all I could feel was the lumps and bumps of the welts and blisters that stung if you touched them. This would takes months to heal and I still had the caning and a strapping to get through.

Graham came back in with the cane and he pointed it at the corner I had been stood in last night. I nearly lost control of my bladder. That was not the cane he’d used last night. Last night’s had been short and slim, whippy but stubby in length. This one, fuck me, this one was so thin and long it looked like it would snap at the first stroke, and then he bowed it in his hands. That was never snapping, ever. It was more flexible than a contortionist! I was in deep shit and I knew it. I crumbled and turned away from the sight of it and I placed my hands on the wall in front of me, stuck my bottom out behind me and spread my legs mimicking the position from the previous night.

‘My, aren’t we eager?’ Graham laughed. A second later I heard the whistle as the cane cut through the air behind me and the first stroke landed. I screamed. Loudly, at the top of my lungs. My arse had just erupted in flames! They were everywhere and I was dancing on the spot when the second stroke landed across the back of my thighs, the third quickly followed across my bottom and the fourth landed barely a millimetre above it. After that, I lost count I just squealed, screamed blue murder and sobbed as the strokes continued to come, one after another after another.

Finally it was over. The last stroke had landed clean across the tops of my thighs and I actually leapt of the floor with the searing pain. What the fuck had possessed me to think I was capable of taking up to 40 of these fuckers? When I could think in a straight line, probably next year sometime, I was dropping that estimate down to just fucking 6! I remained in position and waited for the strapping to commence. After a few moments I realised Graham wasn’t moving at all behind me. I chanced a look over my shoulder and I saw his face. He was completely transfixed with my bottom. He dropped the cane and reached out to stroke my skin, what there was left of it anyway, and I watched as his eyes darkened with pure delight at his handiwork.

‘You took those so well Gemma you just got a reprieve from the strapping, I will pass it forward to Stuart to do, I don’t want to lay a mark over those beautiful stripes. It would be sacrilage! Straighten up love, your punishment is done here. If you come and lie across my lap I will rub some aloe lotion into your skin for you.’ With that he turned away from me and went and sat on the sofa and waited.

My brain wasn’t working at all, my mouth worked even less, I was completly and utterly exhausted, screaming inside at the pain, I felt like I was on fire and even the tears had dried up. I couldn’t even cry anymore, I just did as he suggested and lay across his lap. He soothed my skin with the lotion for a good hour and then he cuddled me on his lap, he wrapped those great big arms around me and I disappeared inside his bear hug and sobbed my heart out.

I finally arrived home at just gone midnight and I crawled exhausted into bed. Thank goodness tomorrow was Saturday, I was staying in bed and I wasn’t moving. I had learnt my lesson tonight. I heard my phone ping on the bedside stand and assumed it would be Graham to make sure I was home okay. It wasn’t it was Stuart, he had sent me a list of spanking implements and lengths of time to set to use tomorrow with the spanking machine. He could fuck right off, it was never going to happen. I scrolled the text to see what else he had said and realised then that these two men were most definitely evil and worse than that they were in cahoots with each other constantly. Stuart required time stamped video evidence of the machine carrying out my spanking tomorrow.

I launched my phone across the room pulled my duvet over my head and cried my eyes out. I am never sitting down again for the rest of my life. I am never coming out of my house again for the rest of my life. They can both fuck right off. I’m done with them.

An explanation (of sorts) and a shock!

My bottom has calmed down a little from last night and is now sporting some wild welt bruising and cane stripes. If Graham hadn’t been so angry I would have enjoyed that spanking last night, it may sound very severe, and he may have sounded very aggressive but I can assure you, this stuff had all been hashed out properly during our first conversations and then later reiterated because we were both drunk that first night. We have discussed at length how hard a spanking I could take and also how hard I wanted to take, the two do differ.

I have over the past few months realised that my spankings have become longer, harder and a lot more involved. We discussed how far he can go both verbally and physically, and what implements I could take. How long I would be able to sustain a belting, a caning, a hand spanking, a hard moulded spatula spanking, a paddling with the wooden hairbrush, a leather strapping, different from a belt, it’s shorter, thinner and way more painful than the heavier doubled over belt, It leaves a different kind of bruise, it has a much sharper sting/bite and it is absolutely lethal in the right hands. I also own butter paddles, they have a thin ridged side and a smooth side. The ridged side is mood dependent for me as it stings like crazy and can break the skin if it’s used for too long. I don’t want to damage myself so that one is only used when I have been particularly naughty and deserve it. A wooden ruler has recently been added to my implement collection and also a triple layer short leather strap and a machine belt slapper, this little implement carries a shocker of a sting and it builds up the pain in layers, it’s very effective in the right hands and is one that makes me gulp when I know it’s going to be used.

We didn’t just discuss how long I would be able to take a spanking of any of these implements, we discussed at length how long I should take a spanking. In the interests of keeping things safe during these consensual punishments, both parties have to feel like they have a cut off point, not just the person taking the spanking, but the person giving it too, there has to be a safety measure put in place that all parties agree must not be breeched, and of course a safe word in place so that I always feel in control of what is happening to me. Both Graham and Stuart were very keen to make sure that this aspect was discussed and agreed upon first and foremost. These may be discipline spankings from them but they too have a limit they will not exceed nor do they wish to. They don’t want to damage me, they want to help me change my ways through learning lessons not through fear, but by being disciplined sufficiently each time, I learn that there is a much better way of controlling my own wayward urges. It does help. It’s painful, humiliating in most cases and it makes me feel ashamed of my actions. (Sometimes I even change, but to date, that usually only lasts for as long as the spanking effects are still present, I still have some work to do!)

I have yet to use the safe word during any spanking and I realised a while ago, I can take the harder punishment spankings and I want them, I have a high pain threshold and to be honest, the more pain, the more I like it. I get more from these kind of spankings than I do an otk hand spanking or a short 6 caning. I need to able to feel something, I crave that feeling, I have been emotionally numb for a very long time and this has dulled all of my senses to the point where I feel completely bereft of any real feeling at all. I am now waking my body and my mind up through pain and it is allowing me to experience a level of pleasure I didn’t know I was capable of feeling.

It’s like an awakening and while it might sound borderline brutal, and I may sound like I’m being pushed into the spankings I’m getting, it isn’t and I’m not. it is well within the discussed boundaries and is completely consensual. These two men make me feel very submissive and that isn’t a place I’ve ever found myself before, I am very head strong and willful and I do take serious risks, I also have a huge dislike of authority and authority figures in my life and I will fight against them, that is my natural countenance. Both Graham and Stuart seem to be able to largely subdue the ‘feral’ side of my nature and I become exceptionally compliant with either one of them. I find it utterly fascinating! It is a side of my nature I never knew existed and I am happily trotting into this with my eyes wide open and loving every minute of exploring this new facet of my personality. Read on with the knowledge that I am not being controlled or coerced into any of the spankings or situations I soon find myself in. I happily took myself there and stayed there of my own free will. I also had a very good idea of what the punishment would be like, although there are always surprises in store for me as you will find out along the way. These men are very resourceful!

So, last night was the first half of my spanking punishment from Graham and unfortunately for me, we never actually got to the designated punishment that Graham had planned for my bad behaviour of a few weeks ago, my mouth had gotten me into a world of trouble before I had even walked through his door.

So here I was again, standing outside Graham’s house at 7pm exactly, wearing sensible shoes as instructed (I hate them, but at least they have a small heel.) Dressed appropriately for a spanking (you know, ease of access kind of throw the dress up around the hips sort of appropriate) and I was wearing panties (as instructed.) Full cover, white cotton panties. He wanted panties, he could have my big girl knickers. Besides, I was kind of hoping he was going to just spank me over them because right now, my bottom and thighs are so sore and bruised from last night, I am actually dreading tonight’s spanking. I have played around with the idea of texting him and cancelling tonight but he was so angry with me last night, that could backfire on my bottom at a later date. Besides, he had called me selfish and that really stung. I’m not and I wanted to prove that I wasn’t just always thinking about me.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Graham answered almost immediately and he ushered me inside quickly. He seemed a lot less angry with me today than he had yesterday and I embraced the change in his demeanor smiling tentatively at him.

He smiled back and invited me to come through to the kitchen while he made us a drink. I relaxed instantly, this was more like the Graham I had come to know. Maybe tonight was not going to be so bad after all.

Graham handed me a coffee and told me to sit down, I did and we chatted for a little while, it was obvious that he had definitely calmed down since last night. Then he dropped a shocker.

‘I’ve been busy today Gem, I looked up Stuart Evans, the head coach at your club, and I emailed him. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised when he emailed me back almost immediately.’

I nearly choked on my coffee.

‘He’s a really decent guy isn’t he? And he obviously cares a lot about you. We had a good long email discussion and then he phoned me to continue the conversation and all I can say is, wow. That man has got you worked out to a tee. Anyway the upshot is this, he now understands just how off the rails you have gone and he is in agreement that he and I should work as a team. I understand that the pressures of his job prevent him from giving you a more regular spanking than once a month so I have offered to step in and spank you every two weeks. In the interim you will make full use of the spanking machine and either he or I or both of us, will set you a daily spanking regime that you will follow.

Now I know I’ve been a bit spank happy of late but come on! Really? Double teaming me AND the spanking machine? I might never get to sit down again! FFS!!

A major lesson came my way tonight.

Never trust that a man will behave the way you expect him to, especially when that behaviour is set around spanking!

I have just returned from my spanking with Graham. It’s 9.45pm, I was there from 7pm and I am stone cold sober, my bottom is minus a good few layers of skin and I am in a world of pain I had no idea previously existed.

The pain threshold I thought I was building up over recent weeks is quite obviously woefully inadequate and still in its baby stages. It was stomped all over by 7.05pm.
I am glad Graham is gay, I would not want that man as a lover, he is relentless in his pursuit of pain and punishment and now because it appears I am seriously submissive around strong alpha male types, I will be getting another spanking from Graham before this one has had time to subside namely tomorrow night and I do deserve it, of that there can be no doubt.

I did this to myself you know, I am stupid beyond measure and I need to learn how to control my mouth, worse than that, Graham now knows about Stuart and our agreement and Graham is, well, lets just say furious doesn’t cover it. Hence the reason for my continuation spanking (that’s what he’s calling it) tomorrow night.

I have agreed to this, I fully accept that it must happen, even while my bottom and thighs are begging me to see sense and just say no. I could have as well, Graham wasn’t so far gone in his fury that he would not have honoured a decision from me to not take another spanking. I never even thought to refuse. I have lost my marbles, my good sense (at this point, it’s debatable whether I ever had any) and my feisty ‘fuck it’ attitude? All gone.

Let me backtrack to 7pm and my arrival at Graham’s house.

He was waiting at the door as I walked down the path. He watched me teeter down a gravel path in ridiculously high heels and he shook his head at me.

‘Why did you wear those? he pointed to my feet, ‘you do remember I am gay and your attire will not impress me at all right?’

I made a complete error in judgement in that moment, I flipped him the bird and said very bitchily, ‘why would you think I did it for you? I did it for me. You may not give a damn but I do, besides I can wear what I want.’ I was still fuming from Stuart’s email and yes, I forgot it wasn’t Graham who had sent it and also that he had no idea Stuart existed at all. Therefore my attitude toward him was considered borderline nasty bitch as far as he was concerned and that set the tone of the evening.

He stepped back from the door and invited me in. He closed the door behind me and said, ‘You need an attitude adjustment, lady.’ Then I was propelled by the arm through to the lounge and before I could say a word I was over the arm of the sofa with my face stuck in a cushion, my bottom high and my feet off the ground! I heard his belt as it slid through his belt loops, my stomach flip flopped with a small frision of fear, and I tried to twist around to speak to him. He shook his head at me. No.

‘I wouldn’t speak again if I were you Gemma, your mouth has said enough already. Head down, you are taking 30 with my belt for your insolence, and if you move at all, I will start from the beginning again. The only sound I want to hear is you counting the strokes. I would advise you count loudly, I won’t be counting at all.’

And then my dress was raised above my hips and he was presented with a bare bottom framed by suspenders. Not creamy, no, still pink and sporting finger type bruises all over my cheeks.

He laid the belt across my cheeks hard, there was no build up, no easing in to it, it was delivered so fast I didn’t even know it was coming until it had landed and had been pulled back for the next one. I squealed and shouted one.

‘Oh Gemma, you can forget the count, this shit just got real for you, you have no fucking right to take a spanking from someone else when you had already committed to having me spank you, you made me wait two weeks to deliver mine? You are going to regret that decision sweetheart I can promise you.’

With that, he laid that belt full force across my bottom and thighs for 10 whole minutes. I think the only reason he stopped was because his arm ached. I was screaming, sobbing, howling with the pain and I didn’t dare move out of position for fear of him starting all over again. Finally I heard rather than saw the belt land on the wooden floor by my feet.

‘Get up.’ Graham’s clipped tone did nothing to ease my concerns about how bad this evening was going to be, but it was my own fault. I should never have let Stuart spank me last night, it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. I had agreed to be spanked by Graham and he had been so patient, waiting for my bottom to heal and become creamy again.

I stood up from the arm of the sofa with difficulty. I made to smooth my dress down over my bottom and he immediately forbade me to cover up.

‘Leave the dress alone, go and stand over there in the corner and spread your legs wide, push your bottom out and put your hands on the wall. You will remain in that position until I tell you to move.’

I rushed over to the corner of the room and did as I was told. I was sobbing uncontrollably now, my bottom and thighs were on fire and they hurt so much! Roughly five minutes passed before Graham spoke from behind me.

‘Those handprints on your backside are man sized. Who spanked you Gemma?’ I could hear the frustration, anger, and jealousy in his tone, yes he was jealous because someone else had gotten there before him. It must be a man thing, I don’t know.

My stubborn attitude will be my eventual down fall, I never know when to cut my losses and take the lesser evil. It feels weak to me.

I refused to answer and that was when the caning began. He asked me the question again, I shook my head and wouldn’t say who it was, he delivered 6 full force with the cane across the back of my legs, my thighs, my bottom. I didn’t know where I didn’t hurt. After the fourth set of 6 I caved in. I couldn’t take another stroke! I was in agony! I screamed and told him I would tell him if he would just stop caning me. The cane was placed on a hook right in front of me on the wall. Dispicable object.

I held my position and I talked to the wall. I told him about my evening with Stuart, how I had a very strange submissive reaction to him each time I was in his company. I explained about the taxi, the lift home, the spanking machine on the table, then the compromise I had made, then the eventual spanking and then first the note and then the email this evening. Graham was now fully up to speed with my current situation of too many spankers animate and inanimate, and not enough bottom to go around.

Graham was beyond furious, he was white lipped with temper and he removed himself from the room for a good hour. I was left under orders to remain exactly as I was and before he left he rubbed something really nasty into my skin, it burnt like hell! He put the little pot of torture in front of me and I saw it was chilli muscle rub, oh god, this is what Stuart is going to use at the weekend. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. It burns like nothing else, especially on very sore skin. It is utterly unbearable, and then my tears flowed in earnest.

It was a good hour before Graham reappeared in the lounge. He still wasn’t speaking to me and I was still crying, more quietly now, but I was still in a lot of pain. This was like no other spanking I had ever received. It made the spankings with Mr Wilson seem like a walk in the park by comparison.

Finally Graham came and stood behind me, he ran his hands over my thighs and bottom, he felt the welts, the heat, the twin hard spots in the centre of each cheek and with a sigh he moved away from me.

‘Straighten your clothing Gemma, we are done here tonight. We shall have to continue this spanking tomorrow evening when I have calmed down sufficiently that I won’t go too far and really hurt you. I have never been so angry, disappointed and utterly dismayed with another human being’s behaviour. You really are totally out of control and as selfish a person as I have ever met. Go home, but you will report back here tomorrow evening at 7pm wearing suitable footwear, underwear, and sporting a very changed attitude and then you will recieve your continuation spanking and I will spank you until I think you have learnt a lesson you will never forget.

I straightened up from the wall, I rearranged my dress and I turned around to look at him. I was still crying and he just looked on me, not coldly, but aloofly. It cut me to the quick to see him look at me like that.

Regardless of my situation I had to know why he had gone so nuts on my ass. He’s gay, I didn’t think he would be jealous, I could understand the feeling of being cheated out of a prize and being made to wait for two weeks had made him angry, but why jealous?

He looked at me and shrugged his big shoulders, ‘I don’t know Gemma, perhaps I was looking forward to this evening more than you were. It would appear you will allow just about anyone who comes along, a good spanking session with you, with little or no restraint on your part. It makes me angry, that’s all I can tell you.’

His description of me shocked me to the core and after he had made me agree to a return visit tomorrow evening, which he made me sign a note for, I left and came home. I am sitting (very gingerly) here now, still crying, somewhat in shock at the turn the evening took and deeply, deeply ashamed of myself. I need to do some serious thinking. This is all going too far and I am as Graham said, completely out of control.

I’m going for a cold shower to wash of this dreadful chilli rub and then I’m going to apply as much aloe vera cream to my poor, poor bruised and punished skin as I can get on to it and then I am going to bed to cry myself to sleep.

I am so fucking stupid! I deserved everything I got tonight and I will deserve the same again tomorrow. Perhaps Graham is the one who will teach me that much needed lesson after all.

Royally Screwed.

Stuart had left me this morning with his little note, he had been crystal clear about what he wanted from me and I in return was now buzzing because I had a proper disciplinarian and more than that, from a man I trusted completely.

I may not be ready or willing to take a lover, highly sexed and spank needy or not, but taking on a Disciplinarian was the answer to all of my problems with my discipline. It meant that the spankings I gave to myself (yes I am definitely going to continue with self-spanking, look what it’s brought me through the door thus far?) I could relax and enjoy the sexual frision they created and I could play as much as I wanted after them. My reward to myself. Hedonistic? Maybe, but it was now going to be balanced out with a very severe discipline weekend once a month with Stuart.

I have always been in awe of the way Stuart coaches at the club, he’s firm but fair, exceptionally knowledgeable, down to earth and approachable but if you piss him off you are benched and your ass will be in a sling for a week. I don’t mean that in the truest sense of the word, although my ass might end up that way, he just had a way of handing out discipline that made the players respect him and want to get it right for him without him having to play the heavy hand too often.

In short, I knew I was in good hands, and I knew that my wayward behaviour was about to be culled to more maneagable levels. If I based my discipline from him on the hand spanking I had already received which was now throbbing wonderfully I would be more than able to cope with it a few times over a weekend. It sounded like the perfect solution as far as I was concerned.

All I had to do now was take Graham’s spanking tonight and check my emails for a list from Stuart for tomorrow’s spanking. With that in mind I brought the spanking machine upstairs and attached it to an old table from the spare room. I had thought about setting it up in there but to be fair there wasn’t enough room to swing a cat nevermind a cane! I carried the old table into my bedroom and placed it at the end of the bed, I bent over the bed, checked the height and distance of my bottom and adjusted the machine’s height arm accordingly. It was now perfectly set to deliver a good hard spanking to my sit spot and if I moved slightly, it would connect with the full roundness of my bottom, if I stood on tiptoe, it would spank my thighs. All areas covered. I realised I was excited at the prospect of trying the machine out and once again I wondered at who I had become. My whole life seemed to be focused around spanking! It felt a little surreal to say the least. Prior to me beginning this, men didn’t notice me, women were distant with me and I basically kept myself to myself with the exception of my work at the club. Even Stuart, prior to last night, I could have sworn he was only ever polite and professionally friendly toward me. Who knew? Certainly not me!

And then there was Graham! Right out of the blue, my new neighbour is a spanker, wants to spank me and is chasing me down with texts to make sure it happens! Now that is surreal! If I’m honest, it’s the kind of surreal I like though. I don’t really care why it’s suddenly all happening at once, I am just having a great time enjoying it while it lasts!
I am looking forward to my spanking with Graham tonight, I’ve waited long enough for it, so I gave myself a lovely pampering session first in the hot tub, then in the bath with lots of soothing bubbles and lotions. My bottom was more pink than red now with only two small twin bruises in the centre of each cheek. I’m sure Graham would overlook those in favour of getting this spanking underway.

I shaved my legs, under my arms, my pussy got a trim, I did my hair and I painted my toe nails and finger nails. I never, ever do this and to be honest by the time I was finished I was really pleased with the way I looked, it didn’t matter to me that Graham was gay. I was doing this for myself and I felt fabulous. It was almost time to go, just over an hour now and a little coil of excitement was beginning to unfurl in my tummy at the thought of another spanking tonight, and by someone different to last night. THAT was the thing that appeared to be exciting me the most. Two different men, two different nights, probably two different styles of spanking and both of them more than happy to take on the role of my spanker! I checked my watch, I still had an hour. I checked my emails and sure enough there was the promised email from Stuart.

I lit a cigarette and clicked on the email. The screen opened up and the message from Stuart appeared, it read.

Hey Gemma, first of all, let me thank you for putting me up last night and also for a wonderful night spanking your delightful bottom. Now, you must understand Gem, in order for me to be your Disciplinarian we will have to set some ground rules. These rules must not be broken or you will be punished most severely for it.

I’m sure you understand the need for the rules, you are very adroit at breaking them, I know, I have been witness to a number of examples over the years. You really are quite feral sometimes and I do believe I will have to be very firm with you in order to bring you into line. It isn’t pleasant, but it is necessary. So, without further ado, these are my rules. You must read them, remember them and live by them from now on. Any breech will bring about a most severe set of punishments that you will not forget.

1. You must not ever leave the house without wearing your panties. Failure to comply will earn you 12 strokes with the cane.

2. You must not accept spankings from anyone other than myself and the instructions I send for the spanking machine. Failure to comply will earn you 30 strokes of the brown leather strap and 24 strokes of the cane.

3. You must deliver any and all stats that are outstanding by their original due date, three months stats in one go will no longer be tolerated. I require these figures monthly. Failure to comply will put you over the arm of the sofa to receive a good sound thrashing with the belt, followed by a very hard paddling over my knee.

4. You will not smoke cigarettes in my presence, at all, ever. It is a terrible habit Gemma and one you will learn to live without. Failure to comply with this rule will earn you a very severe over the knee hand spanking for 20 minutes, followed by 20 minutes with the hairbrush, followed by a severe caning for 10 minutes.

5. You will not be late for our appointments. You will no longer be allowed to breeze in at the last possible minute for a meeting, you will arrive in a timely fashion both to the club meetings and any private meetings we may require, this includes arrival at my home for your discipline weekend. Failure to comply will bring you a caning, a strapping and a hairbrush paddling, amounts to be decided on the day and set by how late you are or have been.

6. You will not use foul language. You are prohibited from midnight tonight, from using any swear word in your daily life. It will not be tolerated. Failure to comply will earn you a good hard thrashing with the hairbrush followed by a minimum of 30 and a maximum of 50 strokes with the belt while strapped to the spanking bench. This punishment is subject to change dependent on how often you have cursed. I will require a monthly list. Remember, I know you, so if you lie to me it won’t take me long to get the truth out of you.

7. You will not consume alcohol in my presence. Failure to comply will bring you over my knee for a very sound hand spanking, a wet spanking with the wooden hairbrush and a good dose of chili rub applied to your bottom.

All of the above rules are to help you correct your behaviour Gemma and I hope to see a vast improvement immediately. Failure to comply with the above rules as you can see will bring about some severe punishments. You must understand that what I am setting out here is for your own good and those punishments will be meted out twice each day for the two nights and three days you will be present in my home. Your first punishment will take place immediately upon your arrival and your last one will take place an hour before you are due to leave for home. The rest will be spread out over the weekend.

Be aware please that any and all transgressions that occur over the weekend will be dealt with there and then and these punishments will be delivered seperately from the others.

Please remember to bring with you all of the implements you had scattered around your bedroom and also the spanking machine, we may yet make use of it. May I also remind you of the 18 strokes of the cane you have already accrued from last night. 12 for not responding and calling me Sir when I addressed you and 6 for not informing me of the array of spanking implements you have in your possession. These will be carried out immediately upon your arrival for your first session at the end of the month

One last thing Gemma, from now on, on your discipline weekend, you will always refer to me as Sir. This is so we have a clear distinction of who is in charge when you are here. I will not allow any personal feelings to cloud my judgement as to the strength of punishment you shall receive and you in return will not try to use our friendship to manipulate me in any way. If you do, you will be severely punished for it.

I know this list of rules is going to make you angry, and I also expect you to swear your head off when you read it, not to mention smoke at least a dozen cigarettes just to spite my instructions. Feel free, until midnight tonight you are still under your own rules, or lack thereoff. From 12.01am, you can consider yourself in the punishment zone and any and all transgressions must be written down in a diary and brought to me to assess when I see you next.

Don’t fight too hard against this Gemma, we both know it is what you need, and you have failed miserably in your own attempts to reign in your wayward behaviour.

Regards, Stuart.

I was stunned.

I was speechless and stunned.

I was absolutely fucking furious actually, and he was quite right, I was now on my 4th cigarette and I had been swearing like a trouper for the duration of the reading of the email. Fucking hell! This was worse than being married to fuck face, and I didn’t think that was possible!

Fuck him. I was still under my own rules until 12.01am and I was going to see Graham for my spanking and I intend to get rip roaring fucking drunk and smoke as many cigarettes as I damn well wanted and I won’t be bothering with panties when I go out this evening as I won’t be fucking needing them! What a damn shame Graham was gay, because the way I feel right now, I might just have let him fuck me senseless if he had been straight!

Graham came calling… and then so did Stuart!

It’s now two weeks since my previous spanking and my bottom is fully recovered and back to its smooth creamy self. I’m itching to make it just a little bit rosy, but I’ve decided that I should wait and see if Graham remembers his IOU. Bits of our drunken evening are now beginning to reveal themselves to me and I have a much clearer picture of how events had played out. I fully understand now, I do it to myself. Every single time. My mouth is my single greatest enemy. It appears to work independently of my brain. I have no control over it!

I have examined in detail my need for spanking and the hitherto unknown sexual delights that activity would reveal to me but I haven’t really recently examined the reason why I started all of this spanking/discipline regime in the first place. I need to remember it’s because I have got to reign myself in and take some responsibility for my actions. I am beginning to realise I am not getting the discipline or the incentive to try to correct my behaviour anymore. I am using the spanking for the sexual thrill. It is making me more reckless than ever before!

I still need disciplining. A lot! I don’t think I can achieve that on my own. I need to be answerable, I need to feel like I should be apologising to someone, I need another human being to do this with. It doesn’t work well on it’s own. As usual I have no choice but to do the best I can with my own resources. My whole problem is lack of discipline and I am my own enabler in this. I will break the rules, even those I have set for myself for my own good.

At the moment, the only reason I haven’t given myself a spanking is because of the pending spanking I am hoping Graham has remembered he is going to give me. The frustrating part is that I haven’t seen him around since our drunken evening and I can’t remind him.

I’m frustrated.

I have been exceptionally busy with work and the club over the last week and I need some kind of relief from all the different tensions I am carrying around. I went to the club AGM last night and delivered the treasurer’s report. It’s a boring but necessary part of my role in the club and I take it very seriously so I have applied myself.

Of course the first person I ran into on my arrival was Stuart Evans the head coach. Damn he is a fine specimen of the male species! Sorry for the description there but I am not really happy about men at the moment. I have reduced you all to a lesser species in my mind so I don’t feel the need to go get me one. Especially since I realised I am very highly sexed and very spank needy!

Anyway, Stuart greeted me in his usual fashion, a giant bear hug which lifted me off my feet and pressed me tightly against his very firm chest bringing a pink flush to my cheeks and also to some other regions of my anatomy too!

‘We really should get together for that drink one of these days Gem, I love how your analytical brain dissects the stats. You have a real grasp for the complexities of the game. I would love to discuss it with you further sometime.’ He was still hugging me! My feet were off the floor! Both of them at the same time! I wasn’t fit to say boo nevermind answer him coherently!

‘Erm, Stu? You need to put me down now.’ I gasped.

He ginned and looked slightly abashed, (a lovely word that, abashed… just sayin) and I found myself back on terra firma once more.

‘Sorry Gem, I forget how small you are sometimes, I hadn’t realised you were actually off the floor.’ He apologised nicely, his eyes crinkling at the corners with his smile, (jeez, I sound like I’m writing a mills and boon novel, yuck!) but he still hadn’t let go of my waist.

I took a small step back and gave myself some breathing space. This man has the ability to turn my usually ascerbic tongue into jelly and icecream with chocolate sprinkles! In short he made me giddy and submissive with just a look, imagine the effect he was having on me while he was actually holding me!

‘I’m not small Stu, (I am, I’m barely 5ft 2″), I am perfectly proportioned!( I’m that too, just sayin…) It is you who is a bear of man!’ I delivered my comment with a smile and refrained from being drawn into the conversation about going for a drink. I needed rescuing. NOW!

No one came… I was alone with him in the corner of the room and everybody else was happily oblivious to my precarious situation. Of course, so was Stuart, all of this was still firmly inside my head and locked in tight. My problem was I didn’t trust my mouth!

‘Ah Gem, bear or not, we are all the same size lying down love.’ Stuart had levelled that look on me! I was royally fucked. My head was now happily providing images for his words, Oh my GOD!!

You know when you are talking with someone and you get the feeling they know who you are? I mean really know who you are? It’s like they have found a way to peep inside your brain and they can see your thoughts floating about in there! That’s what that look does to me. Every single time, and now I have even more to worry about because I have even more to hide. It’s a knowing look. I turn into the most meek, submissive … nevermind, lets just say if he suddenly said assume the position, I would drop my panties (If I was wearing any) and bend over and touch my toes without hesitation!

I knew my cheeks were flaming red as I blustered my response, ‘I wouldn’t know, I haven’t tried it in a very long time.’ NO NO NO! WRONG THING TO SAY!

Too late, I saw my comment hit its mark and I saw the mildly flirty expression change into predator mode. Oh boy, I was definitely royally fucked!

Thankfully, and not a second too soon, I was called upon by the Chairman to come and give my report.

‘Oops, that’s me, I better get up there.’ I smiled as I began to walk away. He smiled back but there was a look in his eyes I hadn’t seen before. I had his full attention. He was watching my every expression and closely. Shit. I wasn’t sure I was capable of turning him down, or whether I could handle him at all. He is the epitome of Alpha male and every hormone in my body was doing the salsa because of it!

‘I’ll come find you when you’ve finished your report love.’ He smiled and I hurried away.

Should I run away now? Maybe I could go on an extended leave from the club? Just till he retired…only about 15 years or so to go…

I climbed up the steps to the podium and delivered my report and also my usual roll call of honours for the younger members of the club I personally worked with as team manager. I couldn’t leave my club, it was the one good thing I had achieved and hadn’t spoilt in any way. Stuart could not be allowed to change that. He was going back in his box labelled fantasy!

I just had to make sure he knew it too.

Did I mention I break my own rules constantly? I start out with such good intentions too. I finished my report, I bigged up my kids, who were chuffed to death at getting a mention and I accepted a glass of white wine as I came down the steps from the podium. My work here was done, just do a quick circuit of the parents and then I could escape.

Nope, he was there at the bottom of the steps waiting for me. ‘I’ve secured us a table, let’s go and have a sit down and the parents can come to us. Joint task force so to speak.’ Stuart took my arm and guided me across to the table. I sat down with my back to the wall and I think I may have looked a bit like a startled rabbit because he immediately began to sooth me by holding my hand while he spoke.

‘It’s all done, the hard part is over. You can relax now and just let the rest of the evening take it’s course.’ He was smiling silkily at me. (Is that a thing? Silkily smiling? I dunno, but it fits. I kept thinking that you could slide right off those lips and into oblivion!) I need to get laid!! No no no… wrong thought process, remember he can read your mind!

Are you getting a picture yet of what a mess this man turns me into?

His comments were so vague I wasn’t sure what hard part he was referring to. I couldn’t think in a straight line. I decided to have a drink instead of speaking and I downed my white and then refilled my glass with the red that had been provided on the table. Bad mistake! Never mix your wine, especially on an empty stomach.

Parents began to head our way and for the next hour we were both thankfully, gainfully employed discussing every little Johnny and Gemima’s progress in the club with their proud parents. I had finally started to relax properly. My phone pinged four times. I waited until my last parent had left the table and then I took a quick peek. 3 missed calls and one text from Graham. My life was getting very male complicated these days considering I was supposed to be flying completely solo!

Stuart glanced across at me, he was still dealing with his last parent but the look in his eyes told me he hadn’t missed my suddenly very active phone!

Very flirty Mama Jane left and Stuart turned his full attention to me.

‘You’re in high demand tonight, boyfriend wondering whats keeping you from him is he?’ His tone was friendly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. There was just… something.

Did I detect a hint of jealousy? Surely not. Anyway, I played it safe and told the truth. I had had alcohol now, I didn’t have a choice anyway!

‘It’s my new neighbour, Graham. He left something behind last week when we had a meet and greet and he wanted to know if he could call and collect it.’ It was the truth! I wasn’t lying! Graham’s text was to say he was calling in his IOU.

Stuart’s eyes did that shuttered thing, you know, when you can’t read their expression? Damned moody looking too. Not good for my hormones at all. They had moved on to the Jive now!

‘New neighbour? You should be careful about inviting him round Gem, you don’t know much about him do you?’ Stuart probed carefully. He has known me a long time, I don’t suffer nosy buggers at all.

‘Well,’ I said sipping my wine and feeling naughty, it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I wound Stuart up a little would it? ‘I know a lot more about him now than I did! Our first meeting was a shock for both of us but we smoothed it over and everything is fine now.’ I was edging the truth, but it was technically still the truth. Stuart’s face was a picture. He was desperate to ask but he knew he had no right to. His curiosity got the better of him and won out. He became very serious quite suddenly.

‘Look Gem, tell me to mind my own business here, but you are a lovely looking woman and you live alone. He might be dangerous. You don’t know the man from Adam! I’ve been to your house, it’s very secluded. If he decided to try it on, no one would hear you screaming! I don’t want to put the fears into you, but you need to be careful.’

I was instantly submissive. I hate myself. I went from naughty to contrite in an instant. I lowered my eyes and looked at the table top as I spoke. WTF is wrong with me!! I didn’t need advice from a man! I could and would take care of myself thank you very fucking much!

None of that came out, not a single word. No, this is me now, head hung low, eyes lowered and submissive when they looked up at him as I fiddled with the damn table cloth.

‘I didn’t mean to worry you Stu, I’m sorry. But honestly, I’m perfectly safe with Graham he’s as gay as you are straight, it was one of the first things he told me when he popped round for a surprise visit and I threatened to kick him in the balls if he took another step!’

Stuart’s eyebrows rose in surprise at my revelation, but I could see his demeanor relaxing again. Graham wasn’t a threat. Stuart could go back to his original game plan. (I have no idea if this thought is true or not, but I am a writer and I fill in the blanks with my own thoughts when I am getting non-verbal input, plus I was tipsy!)

‘Now that’s a story I would love to hear,’ he murmered as he took a sip of his coke. Yes, he’s a jock, he doesn’t drink alcohol. So now you understand why the offer of a get together for drinks is like a big red danger sign. He doesn’t, I do, it’s a recipe for disaster!

I relaxed again, and the banter flowed easily between us for the remainder of the evening. I even managed to grab something to eat to soak up the wine and I felt almost sober. Eventually my phone had pinged so many times I had to excuse myself to go and answer it and I went to the ladies. I texted Graham back and told him I would be home around midnight but if he wanted to call around tomorrow evening I would be available from 7pm onwards.

He texted me back and told me I should call round to his house tomorrow at 7pm instead as he wanted to show me round anyway. I agreed and then switched my phone off and returned to Stuart.

‘Put your gay boyfriend on hold now love?’ There was a whiplash edge to his tone and I caught it. Yep, he was definitely jealous. It wasn’t my imagination. I laughed and pointed out that he had just delivered an oxymoron and for this time of night it was a belter.

He had the good grace to look a little apologetic. I forgave him. Instantly.

The evening was coming to a close, and I confess now that I had stopped panicking all over the place about being anywhere near him, Stuart was really good company and I had enjoyed myself immensely. So, I let him walk me out to my taxi which still hadn’t arrived.

He looked at his watch, it was almost 11.30pm, ‘they are going to turn up late so they can charge you double time for past midnight. Phone them and cancel and I will run you home.’

Did I mention the ‘assume the position’ mentality? Yep, my phone is out, I’m calling the taxi company who say it’s going to be another 15 minutes as they have a rush on, and I’m cancelling it. Before I know what is happening I am deposited in Stuart’s car and heading towards the motorway and home. I will just point out, this is most definitely not on his way home. He lives in the opposite direction about 30 miles away from where we are. He’s driving me home which is16 miles further out of his way.

I am in deep shit right up to my drunken little neck! I am now mentally assessing the state I have left my home in, is it fit for visitors? Yes, I think it might be. I will put him in the spare room for the night, he has stayed over before and behaved himself. Mind you, I was still married to fuck face at the time. Nevermind, I do know him, and very well, I know I can trust him to behave like a gentleman and he will. We both have too much to lose with the club for it to play out any other way.

He pulls down the drive and parks up, and we both make a dash for the front door, its lashing down now and almost impossible to see to drive anyway so he will definitely be staying over. I let us in and we fall into the hall laughing at the drowned rats we now resemble. His shirt is plastered to his skin and it no longer hides a damn muscle and every single one of his six pack abs are flexing and moving of their own accord right before my eyes.

Oh jesus christ almighty my hormones are doing a fucking samba now!! I mumble something and head towards the kitchen in a hurry. Stuart closes the front door, turns the key, and brings it with him. He hands it to me as he sits down at the kitchen table, that still has the spanking machine on it, (I’ve been learning how to use it before I take it down to my punishment and pleasure palace,) with the spoon stuck out of it, and the instructions laid bare for anyone to read. Illustrations are part of those instructions. A lovely picture of a severely spanked bottom graces the first page. Oh fuck…

I am sporting the reddest face I have ever had in my life and I am dying with embarrassment now. I walk over to the table and I pick up the instructions and put them back in the box. I take the spoon out of the machine and chuck it back in the drawer and I do it all without a single word. If I don’t say anything, perhaps he won’t either.

‘So, you own a spanking machine, nice one too, not seen this type before.’ Yeah, he was never not commenting was he? But he was so fucking relaxed about it I nearly cried. I had no choice now did I? I was going to have to have a spanking conversation with him whether I wanted to or not. I had an instant brain wave and decided to tell him it was my ex’s and I had been curious to see how it worked.

‘It isn’t mine,’ I managed to stutter as I went back to making a cup of tea for us both. I turned my back to him so I didn’t have to look at him while I told him about the origins of the machine.

I stumbled through the explanation of where it had come from and why it was all set up on my kitchen table while I put the drinks together. I finally turned around to face him and he was just sitting with legs stretched out, his shirt was off and hanging over the back of the chair to dry, and all I could see was a naked very male very large chest. My hormones were doing a fine filthy, sexy, Rumba now and they were turning me to liquid heat! His face was entirely unreadable. I walked over to the table and put the drinks down and then sank down in the chair opposite his. I put a whole solid piece of wood between us.

‘Let me get this straight now’ he said, ‘see if I heard you correctly, Don, who has been gone a couple of years now, owns the spanking machine, and it was his friend who returned it to him here last week. He didn’t even know you had split up nevermind divorced, and he thought Don was still living here. You got sniffy and decided you weren’t going to return Don’s property to him and you decided to have a look see after reading the letter. So, the question I am dying to ask is, why didn’t you notice that the spanking machine had gone missing when he loaned it out to his friend?’

‘I am assuming he bought it for you to use when he didn’t want to spank you himself?’

I was gobsmacked. Never in my wildest imaginings had I ever considered that telling the actual fucking truth to the nth degree would tie me up in so many knots I might as well take up full on BDSM! My brain was too fuzzy with hormonal sambas, salsas, jives and rumbas, and three glasses of wine. I gave up. I sat there and threw my hands up in the air and I blew out a long breath and lit a cigarette. Fuck it, I wasn’t being good anymore tonight. I had run out of steam.

‘No. He didn’t. I didn’t know of it’s existence until last week. It’s all true and I don’t care if you don’t believe me.’ I was suddenly petulant and I was pouting. I was not going to be backed into a corner again.

‘Dont be petulant Gemma! I didn’t say I didn’t believe you,’ he spoke quietly but firmly as he put me in my place. ‘I just assumed that you would have missed it. We both know you have a bottom made for spanking!’

What the fuck???

I raised my chin and screwed up my eyes against the cigarette smoke, and I watched him carefully now. ‘Do we? Both know I mean?’ I said equally as quietly. Jesus the atmosphere was so tense!

He smiled, not his usual full sunny smile that could melt your backbone, this was a closed lipped smile of insider knowledge. His eyes actually sparkled when he looked at me. Oh fuck I was really out of my depth! That look was the most dangerous one to my equilibrium yet! My hormones had moved on to the big boy dances, an Argentine Tango and a Pasa Doble all at the same time? I’m fucking exhausted!

‘Of course we do, you have it written all over you darling. The way you walk, the sensuality oozes out of you, the way you swing your hips, designed to draw attention to that absolutely gorgeous full bottom. The way your eyes always and I do mean always look at my hands and then my belt and then my face when we meet up at the club. The give away more than anything else though, is your attitude. I have known you for years now, and you will chew someone up and spit them out for breakfast if they cross you, you are a real firebrand and no mistake, but 5 minutes talking to me and you are completely submissive. You are almost begging me to take you over my knee. It has confounded me for the past two years why you haven’t come to me and asked me to spank you since Don left. I was absolutely sure he would have told you I was a spanker too. We had a whole conversation about it! I made sure he knew it because I wanted you to know. When you didn’t say anything or take me up on the offer of a drink I imagined you had found someone else to do it. I thought it might be this Graham bloke, but I’m assuming that’s not the case?’ He paused and waited for me to reply.

Oh my god! Was I really that easy to read? How utterly humiliating! I gathered my thoughts as I stubbed out my cigarette and I refused to look at him. He sipped his drink slowly and waited, perfectly relaxed and at ease with the conversation. He knew he had me in a corner and he was like a big cat toying with a mouse.

‘I refuse to confirm or deny your suspicions about whether I like to be spanked or not Stu. you can think what you like but I am not submissive with you or anyone else for that matter and as for coming to you and asking you to spank me? Really? I have my pride if nothing else. I don’t have to beg a man for his attention thank you.’
I picked up my drink and took a sip. I was praying my face would not give away the big fat lie I had just plonked into the middle of the room. In truth I was enjoying the tension now, I wanted to draw it out and see where it took us both. I had gone past embarrassment, humiliation or remorse or any other kind of emotion that would make me blurt out the truth. I was in my element here, I was game playing. The look in his eyes told me he knew exactly what I was about, but he played along too. He shifted his weight and sat more upright in the chair. I could tell his big frame was very uncomfortable on that hard wooden chair. Tough. I was so not going near the arm of a sofa for this conversation.

‘So you’re not compliant or submissive at all when you’re with me?’ He stood up and walked around the table. I was now at a complete disadvantage because I had to lean right back to look up at him.

I shook my head in denial.

He let his finger stroke down my cheek and across my lips. I was utterly captivated and could hardly breathe. ‘So, if I said to you, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are currently without panties under that dress and you need a spanking for walking around like that, you would turn into a spitfire and roast me for being so presumptious?’ His voice was so soft and low I began to tremble at the effect of it as it ran rampant over my now singing dancing somersaulting hormones. I was truly royally fucked. I was going under and there was no way out.

My face was burning crimson, my bottom had started its usual heated tingle just at the meer thought of a spanking, but still I nodded my head in response.

He took my hand and pulled me to my feet and against his chest, I went willingly, fuck it, I was utterly under his spell and we both knew it, ‘you should never play poker Gem, you are a terrible bluff.’ He was watching my face closely, his hand was still stroking my cheek but his other hand had wandered down to my bottom and he was smoothing my dress over the swell of my cheeks. No panties. If he hadn’t been sure before, he was now.

I mumbled something unintelligable, and he laughed quietly as he brought his lips down to meet mine. I kissed him back. Before I knew it, we were in the lounge and I was sat in his lap and his hands were everywhere all at once. He broke the kiss after a few minutes but his hands were still stroking my bottom.

‘You going over my knee then Gem? You definitely have no panties on, you have been tempting fate for the last half hour and honestly, I need to spank you and spank you hard lady, I cannot believe how much I want to see that bottom go pink and then red under my hand.’

I pulled back and looked at him, yep that was the look I was beginning to recognise really easily on a man’s face. He definitely wanted to spank me, but he was still giving me a chance to refuse.

I play tactical games, I am a strategist and I could see how this situation could rescue me from a more disasterous kind of relationship with this man but also give me something that I needed.

I played my hand, ‘If I go over your knee and take a spanking from you, you do understand that it is all I want from you, no sex, no relationship, no dating etc. I can’t do that shit anymore, I want to be single Stu. I love my freedom, I will not compromise for another man, no matter who he might be. I sure as hell don’t want to ever live with another man again. But, I do want to be spanked. I need to be spanked, I need the discipline. I need to be punished for breaking the rules constantly. I need someone who will bring me to task for my behaviour. You would be the perfect man for that, as you so succinctly pointed out earlier, I am very submissive around you.’

Stuart’s face was entirely unreadable again, and I could see he was weighing up his options, I have known for a while that he wanted to take our friendship into a new direction, I just don’t think he ever envisioned it being this particular direction. I waited.

‘If I accept your conditions darling, I am cutting my nose off to spite my face. I get to spank you but not be your lover?’

‘It’s spanking or nothing Stu. I won’t be any man’s lover. I don’t want that in my life. I’m happy as I am.’ I remained resolute, but it was HARD!

He seemed to settle something in his head and then he nodded, more to himself than to acknowledge me. ‘Then I’ll take what you’re offering, I desperately want to spank you, I have for years. I envied Don, I knew he was into spanking in a big way he never shut up about it when I was at yours for the anniversary party. After that night, I used to imagine you being spanked on a regular basis. Lucky, lucky bastard he was. I wouldn’t have given you up I can tell you.’

I was stunned by his revelation. Utterly stunned. That’s why he always looked like he knew all my secrets, he actually thought he did know them!

Turns out I didn’t know who the fuck my husband was at all. At that moment I didn’t give a damn either because Stuart was still speaking.
‘So, if I’m going to give you a spanking, I want you stripped naked and over my knee in two minutes lady. I will not hear any excuses do you understand?’

Oh jesus, that tone of voice had me shaking at the knees. I was going to get spanked right now and I was so wet between my thighs I was terrified I would cum as soon as he started. I didn’t care, I would deal with that if it happened. I jumped from his lap and stood in the middle of the lounge. I unzipped my dress and allowed it to fall to the floor around my feet and I stepped out of it. I made to remove my suspender belt but he stopped me, ‘leave that and the stockings on, just remove the bra and then come over here and position yourself over my knee. I want you to tell me what you think you deserve as a punishment for being very naughty tonight, if I agree with you I will only add an extra 50 to the total, if I think you are going easy on yourself I will double the spanking and add 20 for good measure and you will count the spanks as I deliver them. You will say thank you after each spank and you will ask for the next one, and you will refer to me as sir. Do you understand?’

I nodded. Eyes huge in my face and mouth firmly shut.

‘You just earned 6 strokes of the cane when we meet up again at the end of the month, you didn’t say yes sir. Whatever I can’t deliver tonight Gemma, will be delivered the next time we meet. I have my cane at home and you will accompany me once a month to my house where I will spank you until you have learned your lesson. I can only give you a hand spanking tonight, but it will be a very thorough hand spanking that will last for at least an hour. Do you understand?’ He was really getting into this.

I nodded once again. No way in the world I was telling him about any of my spanking implements upstairs!

‘That makes 12 strokes of the cane. Now, before we start, do you have any qualms or concerns about the role I will now play in your life Gemma? I am offering to be your Disciplinarian and once a month you will come to my house for the weekend and you will receive a thorough disciplining throughout the whole of that weekend. Do you agree?’

‘Can I have a safe word? What if I get scared of you, you are a big man, you could go too far and really hurt me. I need to know I can trust you to stop if I say the safe word.’ My voice came out all shaky! I kid you not! I was a quivering mass of nerves.

Quite suddenly he was on his feet and I was in his arms and being hugged by him. I remembered then just who I was dealing with and all my fears disappeared. It was Stu and he really was a gentle giant. His next words confirmed it for me.

‘Gemma love, I would never, ever do anything that would scare you or go too far and hurt you and you must always have the right to refuse anything that you feel is not in the spirit of our arrangement. It is your body, your rules, always. Choose your safe word Gem, you can count on me to respect it no matter what.’

I set my safe word, I nodded my agreement and the next thing I knew I was upside down, naked except for my suspender belt and stockings having my bottom turned cherry red with the hardest fastest spanks I have ever received! I was kicking and flailing inside of 3 minutes and let me tell you I had no thoughts at all about orgasms, my bottom was on fire! He spanked like a man possessed and I squealed as the spanks got harder and faster, after an hour he began to slow down. I was utterly wrecked by this time and was sobbing loudly. I hadn’t counted a damn spank nor asked for one either, but in the heat of the moment I assumed he had forgotten about his instructions.

He patted my bottom and told me I could sit up now as the spanking for tonight was completed. I did as I was told and he held me for a very long time on his lap as I sobbed and hiccuped and said I was very sorry for being so naughty as to attend the AGM without my panties on and then tease him all night because he knew I wasn’t wearing them.

He murmered endearments to me as he soothed me and calmed me until I finally fell asleep on his lap.

When I woke up the following day, I was in my own bed, the curtains were drawn, all of my spanking implements were lined up beautifully at the end of the bed and a note was resting on top of them.

Bring these with you at the end of the month Gemma, we shall use them all at some point over the weekend. I have added a further 6 strokes of the cane because you didn’t tell me about them, In the meantime, I want you bent over the bed and taking a spanking from that fine machine downstairs every day. I shall email you with the details of implement and length of time for each days spanking. Had to get off, got a busy day ahead of me and a long drive. See you soon love, Stu.

My phone pinged and it was Graham reminding me about tonight. My hand felt my bottom and I could still feel the searing heat from last night’s spanking. Graham was going to have to either spank me while my bottom was still cherry red or wait another few days for the redness to fade. His choice.

I now had two spankers, a spanking machine and only one bottom. Shit just got real!

Oh wow, I had no idea!

So, as I sit here waiting and wondering when my hitherto unknown about spanking from Graham will take place, I thought I could use the time to tell you about the huge surprise I found in the formerly named garden shed/workshop. Now renamed my punishment and pleasure palace. I know it’s a long title, but it’s very fitting and eventually you will understand why.

Besides, its my palace, I can call it what I want! I just won’t be saying it out loud any time too soon. There are some things best kept to oneself!

Anyway, last week, after my very severe and painfully hot spanking I decided I needed to actually sort my life out and get stuff done for once. It was all well and good making these task lists, but if I wasn’t completing them so I could have a spanking, I might as well just bend over permanently and spank myself without reason. I wasn’t even being lazy anymore, I was wilfully ignoring the larger tasks because they carried a heavier punishment. I needed to bring things back under some control. My first order of the day was to sort the shed out and rid myself of my ex-husband’s belongings that he had left behind.

I am very methodical once I start a task, I sorted and stacked into separate piles stuff that was saleable, stuff that was charity shop, stuff I wanted or needed to keep, (very small pile here) and stuff for the tip. Even the sun shined for me, so I could crack on with it and put everything outside on the decking.

By mid afternoon I was almost done, just a pile of stuff shoved right to the back under a huge workbench that needed to be removed and I could start cleaning and then painting. I was never going to need a bench that was that heavy duty and I had already installed newer benches along the back side of the wall. This one was coming out! It was the last reminder of my ex and I wanted it gone. I unscrewed the top and worked at it until it came away, good piece of wood that may come in useful at some point so I stored it outside. Likewise for the under shelf and legs. Solid wood is expensive to buy and can be reused for a variety of jobs. I love working with wood and upcycle wherever possible. A long black box covered in sawdust and cobwebs was pushed right up into the corner of the shed, essentially out of sight. I had never seen it before that was for sure. He had never asked for it, so I can only assume even he had forgotten where he had stashed it.

I pulled it outside and popped the lid. Oh my god! It was full of dildos still in their original sealed packaging, you know the kind, where you have to cut the clear hard plastic away to get at the contents. No cutting gone on here. These were virgin dildos and they were absolutely fucking HUGE! One had a girth on it that was so fat it made my eyes water just thinking about what it was intended for! It was roughly 7″ long and the girth on it made me gulp. Jesus, you would have to be brave to use that!

I picked up another dildo still in its packaging and this one was 10″ long! Very life like looking too! There were numerous different shapes, colours and sizes of dildos and butt plugs all still unopened and all shoved in this long black box. He must have spent an absolute fortune on them! He couldn’t possibly have bought them for the two of us to play with, because as I said previously, he would much rather not actually! Fucker!

I piled all the toys in the keep pile, would be a shame to waste such a huge gift now wouldn’t it? My day had perked up no end I can tell you!

I pulled out BDSM straps and belts, whips and ankle bracelets, chains, nipple clamps, (evil looking sawtooth nasty little things!) and a box that said it had a mixer in it.

I lifted the box and opened it gingerly, hmm, what a shame it was empty. Nevermind, with the sex toy haul I had found, I considered it to be a good day!

I cleaned and then painted the inside of the shed a pale cream colour to get rid of the ugly orange walls, I cleaned the four windows and then I set about getting rid of the piles of stuff. I was absolutely knackered!

Now, I am not a user of dildos generally. I prefer my womanizer, it’s much less invasive and I get the same result without all the fuss, but oh my, these were very tempting. Regardless I was very well behaved that day and didn’t get sucked in by them and I put them away in the spare room for now.

My pleasure palace was shaping up quite nicely and I had deflated and cleaned the hot tub ready to move it insitu the following day. I had earned a nice hot shower, a glass of wine and a couple of hours with my feet up.

2 days later, a man came to my door with a parcel for my ex. He looked surprised when I told him he didn’t live here anymore and hadn’t for a few years!

He looked uncertain for a minute and then he held out the box. Could you pass this on to him for me please and tell him Steve said thanks mate, it was fantastic! We got one of our own!’ He thrust the box into my hands and literally ran up the drive shouting cheers as he went.

I came back inside and closed the door. I don’t care what was in this box, it was never getting to fuck face (my pet name for my ex) via me. I had closed that nasty little part of my life and I wasn’t about to re-open it to do him a favour.

I carried the box into the kitchen and sat down at the table with it. It wasn’t sealed up, it just had the flaps folded inside each other. So I opened it. Placed on the surface of the contents was a hand written note that read, Hey Don, thanks for the loan of the spanking machine it was absolutely fantastic! The wife loves it so much I bought her one of her own. She has a very spanked arse constantly these days! Cheers mate. Happy spanking!

My head exploded.

My ex was into spanking? He had a spanking machine? HOW THE FUCK HAD I NOT KNOWN THIS? First of all I was angry, first the secret sex toy shop down the shed and now a fucking spanking machine? It just didn’t compute at all. He was so fucking buttoned up the whole time he was with me, when did he ever do any of this? Why didn’t he try and spank me for fucks sake? We could have been having a fucking brilliant time the whole time we were married! And then the penny dropped, he wasn’t a spanker, he was a spankee. The machine was so he could get a spanking! What were the odds? Both of us shared the same kink, and neither of us knew about it! There was also the added mitigating issue of he preferred to play with blokes! That instantly put me off exploring the dildos and butt plugs I can tell you. Then I remembered none of them had ever been opened or taken from the packet! I still wasn’t sure about them though.

It took literally 3 hours for the other penny to drop you know, that was a slow descender for sure. But it got there in the end, and it was a real Ker-ching! moment!
I was now the proud owner of a spanking machine complete with instructions!

Well, fuck me! Christmas had come early! I lifted it out of the box and followed the instructions to set it up, I got a wooden spoon out of the drawer and slotted it into place and then I watched that puppy go to work when I switched it on!

OH MY GOD! I could get a real spanking without having to do it myself! This was epic and a real game changer. It was very noisy though and I was sure my neighbours would hear that thwacking sound it made, it was very obvious what it was doing if you listened properly, plus it would be landing spanks which are noisy anyway. That was when the idea came to me, it could be set up in the pleasure palace and I could use it while the jets were on or the music. No one would hear it down the garden and even if they did they would just think I was working on something in the shed. So, that was how my pleasure palace got its name changed to Punishment and Pleasure Palace.

I am now the proud owner of a genuine fucking spanking machine! I couldn’t make this shit up, no one would believe me anyway, and I haven’t stopped grinning for days! I can’t wait to try it out, but I am being on my best behaviour this week and have denied myself even the smallest spank until the weekend.

Graham happened before that weekend came around, and so I’m sitting here wondering what the hell it was I signed up for with him the other night. I also wondered whether he would actually remember his little note.

He did…


This site is about my journey into male chastity. I hope to be brutally honest and perhaps helpful to others wanting to try the same thing.

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