Oh boy, where do I start? After 5 months or so of wasted time with a man ( I use the term ‘man’ loosely) who just wanted to use me as a distraction throughout lockdown, my mental health took a tiny slide backwards and I doubted myself, my worth and my place in my world. Unfortunately, being strong minded has it’s downside, you cannot allow yourself to feel low, you cannot allow yourself to grieve openly, (it feels like I am being weak) and you cannot allow yourself to forgive yourself for trusting yet another man who would turn out to be just like every other one I have ever met. The culmination of all of the above is that my brain shut down against the onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings I was having. My brain went into remembered trauma and my PTSD kicked off good style. Everything was triggering me. I don’t even know exactly when it happened but once I was down the rabbit hole, I had the devil’s own time trying to get back out and in one piece.
During that time I had yet another kidney infection and was laid low physically as well as mentally and I really began to struggle. Then as usual my son saved me. I say as usual because, no matter what I am going through personally, if his health fails I can literally slay dragons to get to him and pick him up and put him back together again. That happened this time. He too had a kidney infection but with him it’s a double down issue because he only has one viable kidney. Quite suddenly, everything I had been going through just wasn’t important anymore and I was able to centre myself and focus on his very real health issues.
I am happy to report that we have both made a full recovery both mentally and physically and we are pretty much back to normal once more.
So, what else happened? Oh LOADS!!!
The biggest shock after the above was Graham. He sold his house last month and on the day he was leaving he came to tell me he was moving out of the country to go and live in Spain with Todd, somewhere closer to Todd’s relatives apparently. That was the day I actually found out about any of it. I haven’t heard from him since apart from one message to say they had arrived safely and were in quarantine/self isolating whatever aka COVID rules. I’m sure he will get in touch eventually but who knows? I sure as hell don’t.
I was mega upset, I cried buckets of tears for the loss of my dear friend and neighbour and my disciplinarian too. Damn that whole shit storm was a doozy to deal with. I just felt bereft!
And then Tom got in touch to ask me why I hadn’t told him about Gray selling his house. My reply was very succinct and to the point. Why the fuck should I? He was living in the US, what all difference did it make to him whether Gray sold his house and moved to the bloody moon? None of his business, nor was it mine to have to inform him of everyone’s movements. That conversation disintegrated into a complete meltdown from him because of my shitty attitude, I told him go get a life and stay the hell out of mine and I hung up on him. Felt good, but it was short lived, he rang back to make sure I was okay and he apologised. I hate when he does that, it makes me like him all over again and quite frankly, I don’t want to like him. It hurts like fuck when it all goes wrong again.
I give up on men, it’s official. I can no longer be arsed trying to work the buggers out. I am flying solo for the rest of my life and I don’t give a damn what anyone says, it really isn’t worth the heartache and upheaval it causes when it all goes shitfaced.
So, then we have the saga of my narcissistic sister (the biological one, not my online one who is wonderful) who won’t move out of my mum’s house and go live in her own flat, (apartment for the non Brit’s reading this) not to mention the other flat she is in the process of moving out of. Its all so much damn drama, it makes me so tired being sucked into it on a daily basis, sorting out the stupid squabbles and bickering and general nastiness that is a narcissists life blood. She needs a seriously sound spanking!
Then there is the saga of the lunatic brother who believes because he doesn’t want to think about all the bad stuff he did to my mum, like steal £17,000.00 from her over 3 years when he lived with her, none of us should talk about it, hold it up as the despicable thing it is and show it to him at every given opportunity. No, apparently we are supposed to just forgive his junkie ass and move along, nothing to see here. Let’s all play happy families! Anyone at all wanna swap?? I will happily hand those two over in a heartbeat. I’m keeping my mum and step dad though. You can’t have them, they are diamonds and utterly adorable humans.
Then, there was a moment when I thought about giving up writing completely. Which along the way has been needling me, telling me I haven’t got it in me anymore. No more stories to tell, no more rants, mini or otherwise to dump on a screen, no more spanking stories, no more comedy scripts, no more writing my thriller novel. I wanted to just stop. I tried it for a little while and for a very short space of time, my mind has been so quiet it damn near scared me to death. I thought I must have had a factory reset of my brain or something because it wouldn’t give me any chatter. Maybe my internal librarian had shuffled off this mortal coil. Then I remembered, Lionel isn’t real, he’s just my mind mapper, my internal filer, my go to for a word when I can’t remember it. I think I killed him. I overworked him and now he’s gone. So, ever resourceful as I am, I have a new internal librarian. She’s called Karla. I like imagining my Karla from the stories as my personal assistant. It’s creativity on a whole new level. She has fired my brain back up and some of the cylinders are a bit clogged up still but generally she appears to be steering my mind map back into safe harbour. Whoop!
Can’t wait to see what creative ideas Karla presents me with to write about. I promise, it’s only writing, I really don’t do Orange or stripes for that matter, most unbecoming, I’m too short to carry either off effectively or elegantly. So I shall keep her ideas in the written realm only.
Life has a way of turning itself upside down here, just when I think everything is going well, there is always something to come and upset the apple cart. My previous post touched on the return of a narcissist from my past and as unpleasant as that revisit was, it did remind me how far I have come in terms of eradicating their drama from my life and living it on my own terms. I am a very proud Gem right now. I am rocking this life shit and I intend to continue to do so for a very long time to come.
Oh and flying solo means the spanking machine is making a welcome comeback. It is precise, it doesn’t dictate, it doesn’t answer back or argue. It just does what it says on the tin. It spanks the living daylights out of my bottom and it creates a release inside me I genuinely crave right now. Orgasms be damned I need to feel real and the pain gives me that.
I am off to set up my spanking machine, (it’s been very useful during COVID lockdown and social distancing issues). I will probably tell you something about it all at some point, but for now I’m working on getting back to the fictional characters telling their own sexy spanking stories!
Watch out world, I am coming back with full glorious colour and no apologies for the delay. I had to fix me. I am fixed.