The final part of this exceptionally long day!
I wasn’t going to talk about this aspect of day 7 but my new WP friend and reader ejfrostuk raised it in her comment on part 6. So here goes nothing. A warning up front, I am not good at this emotional stuff so telling it may get messy!
The aftermath of the caning was enormous, mentally, physically and emotionally for both of us.
I was laid out across Tom’s lap while he soothed my skin with magic cream of Gray’s that eased the stinging and took the bone deep pain away. Not all of it, but enough to make it manageable. I had quieted down and relaxed properly as soon as I saw the cold had gone from his eyes and my Tom was back in control. His coldness had scared the crap out of me and I don’t mind admitting it.
The one thing that stopped me from reverting to flight behaviour was that I knew I could trust him. I knew he would have stopped immediately if I had used my safe word. I knew there would be no recriminations, no repercussions. He would have just stopped and we would be where we were now, doing what we were doing in this moment. He would care for me. I felt safe and protected by him even when it was from him.
As everyone who has ever read a post of mine will know, my emotions are largely kept locked up behind what Tom calls my steel trap. I don’t think that’s entirely true, I do feel things, and I do express my feelings when I need to. I tend not to let anyone else know what is going on underneath those feelings, what may have caused them or more importantly, how to deal with them. I appreciate that this makes it difficult for anyone around me to support me or even help. I won’t allow anyone in.
I give no quarter, it’s my way or the highway and so far Tom had managed to steer around the huge vortex rotating at the core of us.
Not tonight.
His hands were lazily massaging my cheeks. Tears were falling again but not because I was hurt or upset it was because my head was finally empty of anything except the memory of the pain he had given me and I felt clean inside. I embraced it wholeheartedly.
He sat me up on his lap, cradling me in his arms. He muttered soothing words against my hair and the more he said, the harder the tears fell. My wall came down and he heard it crash.
‘Talk to me baby, tell me something, anything.’ He whispered.
Without any clear thought on my part, I began to talk about my childhood, the first 16 years of my life, the anger and hurt and mistrust it was filled with. How love had become a dangerous thing to believe in. How I would as a small child think, why doesn’t my father love me? My friends dads all seemed to care about their kids, they treated them kindly, they were happy to have them around. None of these things happened in my house and I began to believe it was me and my siblings, we must have been so horrible that my father punished us daily and Mam for having us. That feeling of worthlessness lived inside me for a very long time. It is debilitating in the extreme.
I had witnessed that behaviour from him enough times in my childhood and then in my adult life that when, as a grandfather he verbally tried to do the same thing to my small son, I finally recognised it for what it was. We never saw him again after that. That pain above all of the others was the hardest to bear, I had exposed my son to the ugliest venomous snake in the world. But it broke a cycle for me. I recognised that it was not me he didn’t love, it was everyone. He only loved himself. It didn’t take the pain, hurt or anger away. It just got an explanation of sorts and it brought a new much heavier pain with it. The realisation that I learned the lesson too late and my son now knew the colour of ugly in it’s human form. It came from someone he was supposed to be able to love.
I poured all of this out against Tom’s chest. I had stopped crying a while ago, I had taken a deep breath and dived into the past. I felt his tears land on my naked skin. I didn’t look up, I just kept on talking until I was exhausted and desperate to climb out of the vortex. I could feel my skin crawling as the memories began to flood back in for what came after the 16 years. The steel trap snapped back into place like a clam closing around it’s precious centre.
Tom took a jagged deep breath and just held me. He didn’t try to talk to me, he just absorbed my pain into him. I don’t know how else to describe what was happening. I had been locked down for so long it felt surreal and I wondered whether I was actually in this moment or whether I had fallen asleep and this was my dream. I needed to change the direction of my thoughts.
I sat up straighter and smoothed the wet from his face and kissed him. He kissed me back and for a long time we were content to just be.
Because I don’t talk about me, Tom has not told me much about his past either. It’s kind of a ‘quid pro quo’. One given, one taken in return. It was time to turn the table.
I had been carrying a burning question since he had begun the caning and I wanted to know the answer.
‘Who trained you Tom?’ I asked quietly.
He looked at me blankly for a moment and then I saw him get it. I saw the light in his eyes change from tender to cautious.
‘Graham.’ He said succinctly.
‘Are you a switch?’ I asked.
‘No.’ It was like pulling teeth.
‘So you know what I’m going to ask next then?’ I said leaning back from him a little.
He smiled his crooked half smile and the light in his eyes was filled with humour. ‘You want to know why I was submissive to you when we first met.’
‘Yes.’ I said. Wouldn’t anyone??
He took a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. ‘I had no other way in. You reacted so strongly to finding out I was straight that first day that I knew you would run me out if I tried to initiate anything more between us. You proved that when I patted your ass as I was leaving. Look at what that brought about! You wanted to be in control of us and I gave it to you. Graham didn’t just teach me how to cane someone effectively baby, he taught me how to read people’s emotional and physical responses to external stimuli and act accordingly to make sure they always felt safe and secure.’
‘That all sounds reasonable, but you were completely submissive to me and to Gray in that first three days. How did you pull that off? Why did you go so deep if it was so far out of your comfort zone?’ I was very confused, I know how much pain I gave him in those three days. I had not held back at all.
He smiled, a lazy smile that was easy and sure. ‘Because I wanted to be in your life. I would take you anyway I could get you. Happily for me you stepped away from discipline and punishments because we got caught up in the constant mind blowing sex. That gave me the opportunity to slowly begin to revert back to who I am but still be guided by your reactions to me. I needed you to feel safe. It was the only way to do it. I don’t regret a single moment of those three days baby, look where it brought us.’
So now I was utterly gobsmacked and entirely unsure whether I had been lied to or manipulated in some way. If that was the case, then it was the weirdest manipulation ever. He had taken a massive amount of pain and humiliation in those first three days, it was about this moment that I realised just what he had done for me.
My tears began to fall again and I was gathered up against him as he poured tender words on my wounds. I listened quietly to the sound of his voice, lost in my thoughts as my fingers drew shapes over his heart, then smoothed them away to go back and draw more.
After the third time, he placed a hand over mine.
‘Leave it there baby, I’ll keep that one.’
I looked at him blankly, I didn’t know what he meant.
He didn’t explain, he just moved us to where we were both in our comfort zone. He lived inside me for the longest time before we dressed and returned to the party.
I asked him as I was falling asleep much later at home, what I had drawn.
He drew me closer in his arms and mumbled, ‘A heart.’
Gemma - Journey of Self discovery 
This piece is so raw…there is so much vulnerability here. Tom finally broke down her walls; with pain, but also with his incredible insight. When she realizes how much he has done, just to find a way into her life and her heart…what a truly beautiful moment. Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart, Gem ❤
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I’m crying. That was so beautiful. Thank you so much. 💕
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I keep coming back and re-reading this and crying. Good tears, but I found this extremely moving on some level I’m having a hard time articulating.
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Thank you for asking me to write about this Ej. If you hadn’t made your comment about emotional clarity this segment would never have seen the light of day. There are many parts to the journals that just don’t get written on here. They are too deep, too raw and too painful to expose. I’m glad I could write this one. xx🤗💖💖❣
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I’m glad you could, too. It’s deeply moving. It expresses so much about punishment and honesty that’s so hard to put into words. I just kept thinking, “yes,” again and again as I read it. 💕
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I love the emotional mushy stuff!!! Really really! To me it is essential to being able to enjoy all the hot smoldering action – without the mushy stuff it would be empty. The emotion makes everything come to life!
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hmm. You lovely lady are an unapologetic romantic! But I forgive you the mushy stuff cos I like you so much! xx
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I am not going to disagree with that. I think you nailed the inner Jenna – an unapologetically romantic sex kitten with boobs that turn heads!
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Okay I hate you. Deep sobbing cries coming out of me right now. Like the type where I am sorta gasping to breath. Not sad I am so happy and just joyed that you were being loved and adored the way that you are meant to be. I absolutely adore Tom and all that he had/has done for you.
And rather mischievous of him to trick you like that. All because he wanted to be with you. A part of you. A part of Sam.
Gem I am beyond chuffed for you. (Ha ha ha ha yes I know)
I also now need another box of kleenex.
You have a 5 kleenex box review.
Keep it up.
Love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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Wow!
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This is really power…LOVED it! These moments where the past is revealed and illuminates the present are so contextually real and emotionally connecting. Tom shared a bit, but your revelations…are compelling. I can’t help but think about your past how it shaped who you are…in the very best way. The nurturing mother, the sexual goddess that finds pleasure in pain and pleasure in pleasing others. You have a special light and shine bright for those that recognize the energy 💖💫
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Thank you Michael! 💋💖 This comment makes me happy, understanding who I am and how my past has shaped me is the key to knowing why I do what I do. Most of the time I’m a closed book to everyone, it’s much safer that way. The last 8 years have given me a safe way to be more open and it has allowed me to reveal more of my past traumas than I have ever been able to. I’m a firm believer in not looking back usually, but looking back through the journals I can see the journey I’ve travelled so far. Thank you for calling me a sexual goddess💦😋👄
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This “looking back” is an interesting endeavor…one I am certainly fond of doing. I don’t live in the past but reflecting on it sure makes the present that much richer. As for worshipping the goddess, seems Tom may be a switch and this could be fun 😛You deserve to have your tributes 💦👠
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Ha, I wish he was a switch! But no matter, I’ll take him anyway he presents himself 😛
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I suppose I should said he would be a switch for you…at least to meet you 😛
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Yes, he did what he had to do until he didn’t have to do it anymore and since then it’s been very much a rarity! Although, I know if I wanted him to submit to me, I’m sure he would just because it’s what I desire. Got to admire a man who has no ego where power transfer is concerned! 💋💋😘
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Ugh my heart aches for you and is so happy for you at the same time. Tom may not be perfect but he is perfect for you. Like you I grew up feeling unloved, except I was sort of singled out among my siblings. To finally have someone you can trust enough to tell your story to and know they would never judge you for it or use it against you is a rare gift, and you deserve every bit of it.
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You just went straight to the heart of this didn’t you Storm. (((HUGS))) darlin’ for the pain you lived through too. In my case I had the added problem of being his favourite out of the four of us, (completely non sexual) which was twisted beyond measure, we would have pockets of time where he would praise me to the rooftops for anything and everything and then a few days later he would tear it all down again and the beatings would resume. It was a game to him. He was a very sick sadistic man who enjoyed watching us suffer in silence. It was a good day when I put him on his ass and told him to his face I was not afraid of him anymore. I stripped the bastard of his power. It was a defining moment in my life and I will always remember his face that day. I won.
Thank you sweetie, and thank you for ploughing through my entire blog! That was a mammoth reading month you just had! I hope you enjoyed it all 💖💖
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You truly are one strong woman, and quite talented!!! And yes I thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog form the very beginning it was addicting, and it opened my eyes to something I need very much, I tend to hold a lot in, I mean a lot and have not dealt with a lot of my own pain and demons. I’ve always loved a good spanking with I was in a D/s relationship but the idea of being spanked helping to be a break through with the physical pain releasing the emotional is something that I truly feel I need. I only hope one day I find someone that can give me that. So thank you for your blog, it wasn’t just entertaining and loving the dynamic of who you have become but teaching me something that may finally help me put release a lot of the weight I carry.
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You just made me cry! I am so happy that I have been able to reach out and help just one person with my story. You just made my day lady! Thank you.
Just so you know, I know when you get where you need to be, you are going to fly girl. Nothing will hold you back, you’ve waited all your life for the next part of your journey, make sure you pay attention to the quiet times, between the highs and lows, that’s where you’ll find your happy. That’s when you’ll see it. Give it a wink and acknowledge it. Be in the moment. Much love to you Storm. 💖💖💖
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Thanks Gemma, I hope I get there too and I promise to share
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Such emotional honesty!
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Thank you xx
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Now you have taken me to my childhood and youth.
It was marked by coldness and abuse.
You are a really great and strong woman, Gemma.
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It’s a lot more common than we would like to think xxx
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